TRUST

TO TRUST OR NOT TO TRUST

In a previous blog titled, "The Other Love," I expounded on the dynamics and importance of level 2 respect and Eros love in committed relationships. Please check out that blog if you haven’t. I explained why level 2 respect is the fuel for Eros love and what Eros love is and does for committed relationships.

And, in this blog, I intend to show how a loss of level 2 respect and subsequently, Eros love, is the catalyst and root cause for the mistrust that often takes place in committed relationships. In other words, I intend show how the lack of trust that often accompanies the erosion of level 2 respect and Eros love is a symptom and not a root cause of committed relationship breakdown and or failure. And I’d like to begin by presenting the love story of two well-known bible characters you may or may not be familiar with. Their names are Jonathan and David. And for the benefit of those who aren’t familiar with them, I'll quickly give their backstory. But before I do, let me tell you why they’re the topic of discussion in this blog post.

To start, let’s look at 2nd Samuel chapter 1 verse 26. What David says about Jonathan in this passage of scripture is profound and very moving. He says … “I am very distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: Very pleasant hast thou been unto me: Thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.” As I give the backstory on David and Jonathan’s relationship, please, contemplate the last phrase David says. He says, “Your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.”

David and Jonathan were the best of friends. Both were fierce, fearless, and mighty warriors for their God, Jehovah, and their country, Israel. Jonathan’s father, Saul, was king of Israel. But, because the king disobeyed God on several occasions, God rejected him as king and all his lineage. Naturally, Jonathan was next in line to be king. But because of God’s rejection of Saul and his lineage, Jonathan could not be king, even though he was a righteous man in the eyes of God. And by this time, God sent the prophet Samuel to anoint David as king in Saul’s stead. When Saul learned of this, he sought to kill David.

At first, Jonathan doesn’t believe his father is out to kill his best friend. So, he tests his father’s motives. David was the king’s armor bearer and usually sat at dinner with the king and the king’s family at the new moon feasts. But David and Jonathan had made a pact before this particular dinner. The pact was that David wouldn’t attend and Jonathan would cover for him. And if Saul became uncharacteristically enraged about David’s absence, this would prove Saul wanted him dead. When the king inquired about David, Jonathan told his father that he’d given David leave to vacation with his family. Instantly, Saul was enraged. He cussed Jonathan out (not with same 4 and 5 letters words you might be thinking of), and threw a Javelin at him. But he missed. Jonathan was furious with his father and abruptly left the dinner table.

As they'd previously agreed, Jonathan and David later met in a secret location. It was at this location that Jonathan disclosed what his father had done and that he knew his father wanted him dead. They reaffirm the covenant they’d made before God and their friendship. Then, they departed from each other. Sometime later, in 1st Samuel 23 verse 17, Jonathan reassures David that his father won’t succeed in his attempt to kill him or end their friendship. And that he knows David will be the next king of Israel and that he'll be by David’s side. This was the last time David saw his best friend alive. Not long after, Jonathan and his father goes to war and they both die in battle.

The scripture I opened with in the second paragraph is about David lamenting his best friend and confidant. Again, the phrase I want to discuss from his lamentation is the phrase, “Your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.”

Contrary to the belief of some, David and Jonathan’s relationship was not sexual. They weren’t homosexuals. But what they shared was a friendship that very few today ever get to experience. There are four huge ingredients necessary to make a relationship like theirs work. And it’s very difficult to find these ingredients working simultaneously in a relationship between two people of the opposite sex, and I’m going to tell you why.

The four ingredients that are required to experience this level of friendship and relationship are Agape and Eros love, trust, and level 2 respect. Trust is the last of these traits to form. For it only exists when the other three exists. But why trust? Trust, faith, and belief are all synonyms. However, trust tends to be the stronger of the three because it signifies or implies relationship. Meaning, over time in a relationship, each person has drawn the conclusion that his or her life is just as safe and secure in their partner's hands as it is in their own. And he or she fully trusts that every motivation their partner has toward him or her can only be for his or her good, even when it appears to be negative. There’s no second guessing this. And once this level of trust has been established between the couple, new unvetted experiences don’t require scrutinization. Because each knows their best interest is always a first thought in the heart and mind of the other. This kind of trust is the breeding ground for a vibrant, harmonious, and resilient bond that is not only unbreakable but is also beyond reproach or impugnment.

So, how does Jonathan’s love for David surpasses or exceeds that of women? That question could be better asked this way; how does Jonathan’s love for David surpass or exceed the love shared between a woman and man or a man and woman? The answer to this question has been answered collectively in all the previous blogs I’ve written. First, when a man and woman enter a committed relationship, they do so to get their own needs met. As I’ve stated in previous blogs, no one gets into a committed relationship for the other person. They get into this relationship to satisfy their own needs and wants. And committed relationships, whether we realize it or not, promises to meet each person's needs and wants. Otherwise, neither would commit.

I hear some asking, are you saying each person only cares about meeting their own needs and not their partner's? No, not necessarily. In committed relationships, we usually want to meet our partner’s needs. And one reason we do is because part of our “I” or inclusive need is to be celebrated by our partner for meeting his or her needs. And we usually want to know that no one else can do it for him or her like we can. Our partner’s praise is not only a significant energy boost to our energy production, but it lets us know if we’re on target or whether we need to adjust tactics in our effort to please him or her.

However, the problem starts when we’re not meeting our partner’s key core needs. And this problem gets worse when adjusting our tactics to meet their core needs means abandoning who we are, neglecting our own needs, or when our needs conflicts with theirs, choosing theirs instead. Any of these situations hinders our renewable energy production, while simultaneously depleting our current energy stores. Over time, this leaves us with no energy to do the relationship’s work.

Therefore, when our needs and our partner's needs conflict, there's a natural tendency for us to meet our own needs first or instead. This is one of the laws of human nature that I talked about in the "I" Principle blog. This law states that we must prioritize getting our own needs met first in order to have the energy needed to meet our partner's needs and to do the relationship's work. Remember, getting our own needs met is the reason we got into the relationship in the first place. If we knew our needs wouldn't be met, we wouldn't have committed to the relationship. Very few of us are lucky enough to commit to a partner whose core needs consists of meeting our needs or are at least fully complementary to ours. That is, their desires and human nature inclinations not only complement our needs, but they naturally own the facilities to do so. These are usually people who aren't hard at all to please and we naturally and easily meet the few core demands they have for the relationship. For those of us not as lucky, we have to remember the ox and the farmer I wrote about in the "I" Principle. The ox couldn't tread out the farmer's corn until it got its energy needs met. The ox was willing to do the work of treading out the farmers corn, but it's energy had to be replenished by eating from the same corn that it treaded. And when the farmer muzzled it to prevent it from doing so, it couldn't renew the energy it burned doing the farmer's work. And it couldn't continue to do more work. The same happens in committed relationships.

In committed relationships, often, when our needs contradict our partner's, we'll choose meeting our own needs over meeting our partner's. And not because we don't want to meet his or her needs. We do so because getting our own needs met gives us the initial energy to meet their needs. But such conflict tends to cause an "either" "or" situation. Meaning, if we meet our partner's needs, our needs go lacking. Or, if we get our needs met, our partner's needs go lacking. When this situation exists, there's a tendency for both sides to feel the other is purposely refusing to meet his or her needs. Our partner doesn't see that we really desire to meet their needs, but we can't. And we don't see that he or she desires to meet our needs, but can't.

And this causes us to believe that he or she can meet our need but willingly refuses. And it causes him or her to believe we can meet their needs but we willingly refuse to do so. And we both feel that the one person we've not only ordained but entrusted to meet all of our needs, especially our most essential dealbreaker needs, is betraying us. And we feel stupid for putting all of our eggs in one basket. And we feel this same person is betraying their vows and our vows. Because we made our vows on the premise of their vow’s stated and unstated promise to meet our stated and unstated needs. This is at the heart of trust issues in committed relationships. And this is mostly subliminal behavior for both in committed relationships.

So, what does this mistrust or these trust issues look like in committed relationships. It depends. It depends on things like gender, age, years of commitment, and etc. Take a young married couple for example. Let’s start with the wife. A big clue that this wife has trust issues is when there's a lack of sexual intimacy. Why? First off, women are a bit more complex than men. This is one of the reasons they typically mature faster. And it makes sense. Part of their human nature inclinations is to prepare the nest. And she needs to feel that her husband is totally locked in and committed to the process. And she’s the focal point of the process.

He could have a six-figure salary, but if he doesn’t connect with her, she’s not secure. If he’s not hitting the marks she's determined for her needs department, she won’t be convinced that he truly loves and adores her. In other words, she won’t be convinced she’s earned his level 2 respect and or that he's worthy of hers. Because if he was hitting all her marks when she thought he should, there’d be no mistrust. And barring some physical impairment, there wouldn't be a lack of sexual intimacy.

But, when he doesn’t hit those marks, she doesn’t trust his claim of love and desire for her. And why should she give her body to a man that doesn’t want to meet her needs? She could give her body to just about any man if that's the case. But she never wanted to give her body to just any man. Because casual hook-ups won’t yield her what a committed relationship promises. For this relationship promised to give her a man that would be willing to meet her needs. It promised her a man who’d be so invested in her that he’d gladly figure out how to meet her needs. Therefore, why should she give up her goods to her husband when he hadn’t earned them. And when he makes his moves, all she can picture is him rolling off her fully relieved and satisfied and her rolling over all hot and bothered. And not the kind of hot and bothered she’d like to be, either. I say, "Show me a woman who believes or knows her man is meeting all her needs, and I'll show you a woman who doesn't have trust issues with her man."

"Show me a woman who believes or knows her man is meeting all her needs, and I'll show you a woman who doesn't have trust issues with her man."

But her man not meeting her needs may not be his fault. She could have baggage that produces symptoms that she calls needs. And as I've stated in previous blogs, one can never please his or her partner by trying to treat symptoms that comes from baggage. Why? For the same reason people are hungry an hour later after eating fast food. The body didn't get the nutrients it needed. So it's begging to be fed again. We treated the body's hunger pangs, which is the symptom, and not the body's need for nutrients. Often, baggage produced symptoms are labeled as a love language or a need. And often, our baggage is begging for nutrient needs that our partner can't fulfill. Why? Because they're not the ones that caused it. That's like asking Walmart to refund money for an item we purchased at Kroger. We have to go back and confront the time, place, and people that are responsible for our baggage nutrient needs. But we can't do that until we first consciously become aware of them. And we can't until we own that baggage, and until we own all the work that needs to be done to fix this baggage. Our partner can and should support us. But it's not their job to become slaves to satisfying the unyielding and never ending baggage symptoms that he or she had nothing to do with causing. Nor is it their job to do our work for us to fix it.

So, how do men show mistrust? Men often show mistrust differently than women. They may see her complaints about not meeting her needs as nagging or trying to change him. And when he’s faithful, a good provider, a good man, and is trying all he knows to be attentive to her needs and still be productive in his daily life, he feels slighted and underappreciated when she complains. This alone cast doubts in his mind about her reasons for marrying him. And this is severely exacerbated when she makes excuses for not being sexually inviting to him. He’s trying to keep all his eggs in one basket, but when she withholds sex, she’s really playing with fire. And when she withhold sex, he feels more rejected than he would if he propositioned a woman he wasn’t committed to for sex and she rejected his advances. Why? Because sex is a huge marital promise for him. Marriage promised him that the woman he committed to would never hold out on him...on purpose. Now, he doesn’t trust that she loves him like she says.

In committed relationships between men and women, failed expectations where both believe that the other refuses to meet their needs leads to mistrust. The biggest mistrust in most relationships doesn’t stem from one person believing the other is physically or emotionally cheating on them. It stems from the mistrust that is derived from one believing that the person he or she has committed and given all of him or herself to refuses to reciprocate. And as a result, he or she can’t trust his or her partner with their heart, their feelings, or their needs and wants. And remember, a person’s desires are comprised up of their unfulfilled needs and wants. And their desires are the core of their “I” and who they are. And the fulfillment of these desires is where their renewable energy comes from to do the relationship's work. And when their partner neglects their needs and wants, he or she feels like that partner doesn’t care about him or her as a person or a partner. And he or she often feels unloved for the same reason. And it only gets worse when that person feels he or she has put their partner first, but their partner hasn’t put him or her first. This is at the core of mistrust in committed relationships between men and women, and it’s rampant.

"A person’s desires are comprised up of their unfulfilled needs and wants."

And, when this type of mistrust exists, couples can trust each other with their physical safety but not with their heart safety and the meeting of their core “I” needs. Therefore, they can’t trust their partner with their heart. Mistrust that exists because one doesn’t believe the other wants to meet his or her core needs and wants are very serious. This is because our needs and wants being met gives us energy. And energy is one of the most important aspects of life and relationships. We get into committed relationships to gain energy, not lose it. But as I’ve said in previous blogs, if a person truly loves their partner but aren’t meeting their partner’s energy needs, it’s not because he or she refuses to do so. It’s because he or she can’t. And it doesn’t necessarily mean he or she doesn't have the capacity to meet their partner’s “I” needs, although it could. It could mean he or she doesn’t have the awareness, knowledge, wisdom, or understanding necessary to meet their needs at the moment. In other words, he or she could be a bit immature at the time. And when maturity catches up to him or her, he or she can and probably will.

"Mistrust that exists because one doesn’t believe the other wants to meet his or her core needs and wants are very serious, because needs and wants being met gives that person energy. And energy is one of the most important aspects of life and relationships."

But it could also mean one is incapable now or ever of meeting his or her partner's needs, too. And this could be for one of two reasons. One, this person could be incapable of meeting his or her partner's needs because to meet their needs would automatically mean denying his or her own. Two, this person could be incapable of meeting his or her partner's needs because it's not their responsibility to meet such needs. Why? Because their partner's needs are exclusive in nature and these needs are their partner's responsibility. But that partner keeps pushing the responsibility on him or her to meet needs that not only have nothing to do with him or her, but needs he or she most likely cannot meet.

David and Jonathan’s relationship wasn’t riddled with the kind of natural mistrust that happens in committed relationships between men and women. From its inception, their relationship was built on the unchanging dynamics of integrity, fearlessness, fierceness, loyalty, level 2 respect, love for God, and for each other. And these unchanging dynamics were evident, upfront, and outwardly displayed in the wars they fought and their commitment to God and county. These dynamics were staples of their souls and personality before they knew each other. Neither man entered the relationship with a promise of what the relationship would do for him. In other words, their relationship wasn’t predicated on core needs expectations. And there were no subliminal energy plots or inclusive or exclusive needs expectations that either man harbored that would infringe upon or undermine the undemanding rich passion their relationship enjoyed.

No, their relationship wasn’t based on the physical attraction and satisfaction, financial support, and emotional gratification that individual expectations are full of between men and women. And because the intimacy they shared wasn’t sexually based, it couldn’t be upended or exploited by the hormonal, soulful, and physical disparities that plagued the intimacy shared between men and women. Their emotional dispositions weren’t plagued by what one thought the other owed him because of the personal expectations each harbored at the relationship's inception. And satisfying such personal expectations weren't the driving force behind the relationship forming or lasting. Therefore, there was a lot less surface area in their relationship for mistrust to breed and fester. This led to both having a healthy love, adoration, admiration, and respect for each other. Often, this is not the case between men and women.

Finally, there's one more ingredient that I failed to mention about David's and Jonathan's relationship. That ingredient is God. The four ingredients of trust, Agape and Eros love, and level 2 respect can be very hard to come by for those who struggle with direction, aren't self-discerning, and are subconsciously disoriented by past trauma, family disfunction, and pain. Placing our trust in supreme laws and principles that are greater than ourselves is often the catalyst and root underpinnings one's character and persona must be built upon if it is to be ripe for building these ingredients with our partner. It was godly principles working in the background of Jonathan's and David's relationship that help make their relationship so beautiful. How often in history have friends and family members betrayed one another in order to gain power, riches, and fame? It happened all too often, right?

Jonathan had the opportunity to betray David for the kingship. But his godly integrity wouldn't allow it. Rather, he chose to honor God's will for making his best friend king and decided to join and assist him rather than fight him for what he could've felt was rightfully his. It takes a person full of integrity, humility, love, and godly principles to give up something so monumental and a once in a lifetime opportunity. And when godly principles such as the ones Jonathan and David exhibited are operating in the lives of both persons, these principles will naturally breed trust, Agape and Eros love, and level 2 respect.

"Placing our trust in supreme laws and principles that are greater than ourselves is often the catalyst and root underpinnings one's character and persona must be built upon if it is to be ripe for building these ingredients with our partner."

In conclusion, some may think that David's heart-felt words in 2nd Samuel 1 verse 26 was subjective and nothing more than his personal opinion. But I’m more inclined to trust the judgment of a man who had way more women in his lifetime than any man should, and who had the very best friend anyone can ever have over someone’s personal thoughts and comments. David knew what relationship and intimacy was with women and he knew what it was platonically with a best friend like Jonathan. And he knew the type of love and relationship he experienced with Jonathan would be next to impossible to find again, especially with a woman. He knew that finding this level of love and relationship with the opposite sex is harder to do than one loving on their boo after viewing police footage of him or her conspiring to kill them to collect on their insurance policy.

As always, if you’ve enjoy this blog series, please tell someone about it. And don’t forget to subscribe. As I produce upcoming podcasts and books, you’ll be the first to be notified. I promise...your email information won’t be sold because I really value the intimate community of readers my blog attracts and wouldn’t risk your patronage for the world.

And last, always remember, the costs of committed relationships often exceed their price tag.

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