THE OTHER LOVE

THE OTHER LOVE

Most of us aren’t aware that committed relationships must have two loves. Yes…two loves! Ok...correction...two love types. And the most notable of the two is better known by the Greek word Agape. In the Love’s Not Enough blog, we covered this one. We called it plain old love. But Agape is an unconditional love. This is what we have when we love someone in spite of. When we feel like hating them, but we can’t. We have Agape for them. And this is the love that I said only has one guarantee. And that is that our partner won’t take out an insurance policy on us against our knowledge and hire someone to take us out to collect. I meant that as a funny way of saying they won't hurt us on purpose. Oddly, this love can’t even guarantee that they won’t hurt us on accident.

But there’s another love often found in committed relationships. But this love isn’t as durable as Agape is. And this love isn’t as forgiving, either. But it’s packed with passions hot enough to make a California wildfire jealous. It can blaze the soul with a raw and sultry heat that manifests itself as undeniable physical cravings. So, what is this other love? In the Greek it’s called...Eros.

Eros is the love that often goes unaccounted for in committed relationships. Most, and I'd venture to say all, committed relationships have experienced it but don’t have a clue that it exists or what role it plays in their relationship. Eros love is the direct result of level 2 respect. Many think this love is only based around fleshly passions. But this isn’t true. Eros is very much responsible for soul passions, too. When we adore and admire our partner’s contribution to our core dealbreaker needs, they earn our level 2 respect. And as a result, they dynamically earn our Eros love, too. And believe it or not, having both Agape and Eros love should be the goal of every committed relationship. However, all the individual human nature dynamics we’ve discussed on this blog up to this point usually get in the way of one of both. However, Eros is usually the first to go when things aren’t going right and pertinent needs aren’t met. As you might have guessed, it’s the first to go because level 2 respect is the fuel it burns. And when our inclusive needs go unmet in the relationship, and or our exclusive needs are not supported, level 2 respect is the first to go. And with no fuel to burn, Eros love fizzles out, too.

However, Agape love doesn’t fizzle out so quickly. Agape love can withstand tons of disappointment and shortcomings from our partner. This is because Agape is a suffering type of love. Meaning, just because we deserve to be treated a certain way, respected a certain way, and to be recognized for what we know, think, or feel we've contributed to the relationship, our partner may not be capable of responding in kind. And yet, we love them in spite of. But, as Eros declines, so does that feeling of being in love. And by the time Eros is gone, that Agape love we're clinging to tends to feel more like a chore or duty. Why? Because one or both partners aren’t getting what they need from the relationship.

In earlier blogs, I asked this question; who'd commit to a relationship if they knew going in that they weren’t going to get their core needs met by the relationship or that the person they were committing to were incapable of meeting them? And the answer is no one! And because Eros is that love we feel at the beginning of a relationship, we're often misled into believing that all our core needs will be met by the other person because this same Eros love (We think it's Agape) will make them. This is one of the biggest myths believed by most people who commit. I'm not saying it's never Agape at the beginning. But remember, Agape is an enduring love that doesn't harm or hurt on purpose. And often, when it's only an Eros love and people don't get what they want or need from the relationship, they can resort to hurt and or harm. This is a clue that it wasn't an Agape love.

Eros is the love we feel when we barely know our prospective partner. It gives us those wild and tingly feel good sensations that trick us into believing this person will do whatever we need them to do for our emotional, physical, mental, soulful, and even spiritual health and welfare. And this is often a lie; not because our partner doesn't want to. It's a lie because they can't. And sometimes the reason they can't is because they're not built that way. And other times they can't because our expectation of what being in a committed relationship should deliver is severely skewed and way off target. And, an often end result of Eros' trickeration is us overlooking obvious red flags about a prospective partner's character that may be at odds with our inclusive and or exclusive needs.

Eros plays heavily on our emotions. And many think emotions are purely physical. Truth is, they're also soulful. This is why I covered what the soul is in an earlier blog post. Because, if we don't understand what the soul is, we won't understand a lot of what I blog about on this website. Our soul is that intangible essence that's housed inside of our physical body. It houses our awareness, thoughts, and our conscious and subconscious states. And, the soul is the home of our "I" from which I get the "I" principle. And it's the place both Agape and Eros love calls home. And when our partner does a satisfactory job at meeting our inclusive needs, Eros grows inside our soul. And when it does, our soul communicates our approval to our body in a very emotional and gratifying way. And this makes us want to be close with our partner in more ways than one. Keep in mind that our body can and does produce the same kinds of emotional feel good on it's own. But the difference is when these emotions are physically generated only, it doesn't always resonates with our soul. In this regard, it's only a physical passion. And some call this Eros love. But in my opinion, they shouldn't. It should only be called love when it resonates with our soul.

The sad truth about Eros being absent and Agape present is that both persons can be absolutely great people and great spouses. But the fact that either of them failing to meet the other’s core needs can cause what should’ve been a great pairing to become an unsuccessful one. And when this happens, it’s really no one’s fault. Because whether I’m dead because you purposely shot me, or whether I’m dead because you accidently shot me, the result is still the same…I’m dead. But, please know this; know that just because a couple's individual human nature inclinations naturally opposes each other in seemingly unfruitful ways doesn't mean their relationship can't be saved. It just means they have to work harder than they'd like to for their relationship to be what it can and should be. And yes, I know. Work requires energy. And if our renewable energy comes from having our inclusive needs met and our partner is seemingly incapable of meeting those needs, where do we get this energy? This is an excellent question. And I'll address this question two blogs from now. But before I do, I must blog about how a severe loss of level 2 respect and Eros love leads to trust issues.

Therefore, in the next blog, we'll talk about how a loss of level 2 respect and Eros love breeds trust issues. And not necessarily the trust issues you may be thinking of. As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please tell someone about it. And don’t forget to subscribe. As I produce upcoming podcasts and books, you’ll be the first to be notified. I promise that your email information won’t be sold because I really value the intimate community of readers my blog attracts and wouldn’t risk your patronage for the world.

And last, always remember, the costs of committed relationships often exceed their price tag.

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