LOVE’S NOT ENOUGH

The late Tina Turner once sang, “What’s love got to do with it?” This phrase is from her 1984 hit song, “What’s love got to do with it.” Tina would later admit that she didn’t want to perform this song because she felt it was promoting a purely sexual relationship free of love and emotional attachment. And although her song’s lyrics dismisses love as just an old-fashion notion, it does pose a good question. What does love have to do with it?

Many in committed relationships cite love as the number one reason they committed. But should it be the number one reason we commit? I believe the answer is a hard...no! According to Webster’s Dictionary, love is an emotion. Well, it is and it isn't.

I was on my way to work one morning. Ice was everywhere as it was an unusual and unseasonably long winter that year by the state of Georgia standards. It was the end of March and winter was holding on like that annoying guy that thinks if he keeps asking long enough, she'll run out of no's and yes will be the only word left in her vocabulary.

As I drove into work, I passed a line of Bradford Pear trees. They were beautiful and covered in ice. As I stared at the picturesque view they offered, something caught my eye. I saw that these ice-covered trees were budding with flowers. I couldn’t believe it. How can this be, I wondered? We had no warm weather up to that point. How could they be budding?

At work, this question haunted me the way a philandering husband dreams would after having recurring nightmares about his wife breaking the code to his smart phone. Then it hit me! Spring was already here! What a revelation that was for me. Even though the warmth that is typically associated with spring had not come, spring had. And the trees and plants were doing what they do when spring arrives. From then on, I’ve always used this analogy to explain love. But I'd later learn that there's more than one love type occupying successful committed relationships. And that one love type is emotionally based, but the other is not.

Emotions are feelings and feelings come and go. But when the love type that isn't based on feelings is in operation, it doesn’t matter how you feel. You have it whether you feel like having it or not. You can love someone and feel like hating them. But that feeling will never trump the love you have for them. Therefore, this love is a state of being and not a state of feeling. This Love produces emotions. But this love isn't one. But, we'll talk more about these two loves in the next post.

So, why isn't love the best evidence for committing to a relationship with someone. For starters, it’s easier for some to fall in love than it is for them to get tags for their cars. It takes some people seemingly months to get tags after a car purchase, but they can seemly fall in love in a matter of minutes. Ever see these people riding around with paper tags that say, "tag applied for?" Every time I go to the DMV for tags, I get mine the same day.

And falling in love with someone doesn’t mean they’re the right person for us. I remember watching a TV show where a woman asked a colleague, “How do you know if the one you love is the one you need?” This is the very question this blog series endeavors to answer. Because the person you love can actually be the person you don’t need.

People fall in love for various reasons. But the root reason they do is because one or more of their perceived needs and or wants appears to be or are being met by the person they've fallen for. This doesn’t necessarily mean their “I” needs are being met. (I’ve hyper-linked the phrase “I" principle in case you didn’t read my earlier blog covering it. It covers what “I” needs are.) Keep in mind, that our perceived “I” needs can be based on symptoms. And depending on how needy we are, we can fall in love instantaneously. The problem with this is the person we’ve fallen in love with may have shown us the person they wanted us to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. Kind of like what so-called players do...they tell her what she wants or needs to hear. However, in genuine relationships, when this person does the same as these so-called players, they're not being disingenuous. It’s the honeymoon period. This just tends to happen naturally and subconsciously.

Second, the more needy we are, the less likely the other person will feel compelled to fall in love with us. Why? Because they never get a chance to be accepted for the person they really are. We're hogging up all the relationship bandwidth as it pertains to attention, demands, wishes, wants and needs. And that person’s real wants, needs, and demands are crowded out. And because their own “I” need includes being valued by us but we've crowded out their personal needs and wants, he or she never get to say things like, I really don’t wanna give you this much attention. Or, I really don’t like it when you place these kinds of demands on me. Or, I don’t wanna do it like this. He or she can't say these things because there's a risk of being devalued. Therefore, he or she accepts the honeymoon benefits of making that person happy at the future risk of being unhappy themselves. In other words, this person puts their real personality needs for deep personal connection, appreciation, and admiration on hold. And he or she would rather put their needs on hold than feel like a failure and disappointment to us. Because making us happy also fulfills at least the "I" need they have of being valued in whatever way they feel they need to be valued. Often this happens subconsciously as consciously we're both enjoying this incredible honeymoon ride. But this is often the first sign that we could be wrong for him or her and vice versa.

See, a person can fall in love with us without us even knowing or participating in a relationship with him or her. If this is possible, then it’s certainly possible that one can fall in love with us when we’re dating them on purpose and is making a considerable effort to be in a relationship with him or her. What I’m getting at is this; we can have little to nothing to do with someone falling in love with us. A person falling in love with us is always about him or her and not us. And, just like the analogy I gave of spring earlier, spring didn’t need warm weather for it to show up and make plants bloom. The only condition necessary was a season change. Just like spring, we don’t have to be what the other person needs for them to fall in love with us. Sometimes, all they need us to be is a changing season and boo-yah...loves in the air. However, for committed relationships to last, they must be able to withstand changing seasons. And for that to happen, both persons in the relationship must be what the other wants and needs.

"Just like spring, we don’t have to be what the other person needs for them to fall in love with us. Sometimes, all they need us to be is a changing season and boo-yah...loves in the air."

Some people fall in love because they finally found someone that'll show them attention. Others fall in love because they got someone who listens. Then some fall in love because he’s a good man or she’s a good woman. Still others fall in love because they found someone who’s reputable and stable. And while these can be valid reasons for falling in love, these reasons alone are not valid reasons to enter a committed relationship. In the next few blog posts, we'll learn how falling in love is about the love that is based on emotions or feelings and not the other love most think it's based on.

In closing, there are two love types that must be at play in committed relationships for them to be successful. One is emotionally based and the other isn't. The one that isn't emotionally based has one guarantee. This love only guarantees that our partner won’t take out an insurance policy on us and hire a hit man or woman to kill us so they can collect. Meaning, this love only guarantees that he or she won’t hurt us on purpose. It can’t even guarantee that they won’t hurt us on accident. And the one that is emotion or feelings based can't even make that promise. In the next couple of posts, I'll reveal these two love types and explain their role in yielding a beautiful and long-lasting relationship.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. I won’t sell your information. I value your patronage too much to do that. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

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