R-E-S-P-E-C-T ("Love Not Enough" Part II)

RESPECT

Take a minute, if you will, and study the two scenes below:

Scene 1:

Emily shouted, 'Josh I will not tolerate you marginalizing my culture, family, or my traditions. If we’re going to be together, you will respect them!'

Scene 2:

'Amanda, I see the way you rave over ken's drawings,' Anquan said. 'Why don't you rave about mine that way?

She continued scrolling pages on her iPhone.

'Please, Amanda. Make me your favorite artist.'

She faced him.

'I can’t.'

She returned to scrolling pages on her phone.

'Why not,' he asked?

She sighed,

'Have you seen your drawings?'

After a quick smirk, he said,

'I think they’re quite good.'

She rolled her eyes.

'Well, I don't!'

'You’re kidding, right?'

'No. I'm not!'

'That's really messed up, Amanda. You’re my girlfriend. Not his. And you will respect my drawings, too!'

What's the difference between the two stories? It'll probably be easier for us to point out the similarities. So, let's start there. Both stories portray relationships where one person in the relationship feels disrespected. And, in an effort to correct it, he or she demands respect from their partner. Now, let's discuss the differences. In the first relationship, Emily demands that Josh respect her culture, family, and traditions. In the second relationship, Anquan demands that Amanda respect his art. The question is...does Emily or Anquan have a right to demand respect from their partner?

A buddy of mine made me aware of a survey where 1000 people were interviewed about what they felt was most important to relationships. The result was that most overwhelmingly cited respect as the number one and most important aspect of a successful relationship and not love. While I mostly agree with their assessment, I also believe that most people don’t fully understand what respect means in a committed relationship. Therefore, I want to shed light on this. Let’s start by looking at the definition of respect.

If you google respect, you'll find it gives two definitions:

- One is due regard for the rights, wishes, and traditions or others.

The second definition is:

- having deep adoration or admiration for something or someone that is elicited by their qualities, achievements, or abilities.

Staring with Emily and Josh, which of the two definitions fit their situation? Go ahead...think about it. Ok, times up! If you chose the first definition, you'd be correct. Emily was well within her rights to demand that Josh respect her family, traditions, and culture. I call this type of respect level 1 respect. I do because this is the type of respect every human on the planet has a right to demand of anyone. Doesn't matter if we're demanding it from the stranger on the street or our spouse. We all have this right.

However, the second definition is quite different. You've probably already guessed that Anquan and Amanda's situation fits the second definition. I call this second definition level 2 respect. Anquan wants Amanda to love and adore his art the way she does Ken's. But Amanda doesn't care for his art and thinks it's terrible. And according to the second definition for respect, he had no right to demand her respect for his art. She didn't have deep adoration or admiration for the quality of his art or his ability as an artist. Therefore, she couldn't respect it.

Level 1 respect is about the person who’s demanding and receiving it and not the person giving it. Level 2 respect is about the person who is giving it and not the person who's receiving it. In committed relationships, the two levels are often misconstrued. Many people think they have a right to demand their partner's level 2. But this level of respect must be earned. And it must be earned dynamically. Meaning, we must earn this by being our natural selves. For this level of respect happens when the person giving it is touched by something the person receiving it has done, is doing, or can do. And he or she is touched by his or her partner's qualities, abilities, and or accomplishments because these are things he or she deeply values. Therefore, there partner is meeting the need or desires he or she has, which results in that partner meeting his or her inclusive needs or desires. This shows how level 2 respect is about the person giving it and not the person receiving it. In the second scene, Anquan wanted Amanda’s respect. He tried to make the giving of her respect about him when it was all about her. And his natural artistic abilities didn't move her. Therefore, she could not offer him her level 2 respect for his artistic abilities or renders, no matter how badly he wanted her to. And to fake it would be dishonest. And if she highly values honesty and personal integrity in relationship, this would be a betrayal of her own values. And his continual pressuring of her to admire his drawings would have the dangerous effect of pressuring her to be fake and betray herself. This could easily lead to the unwanted effect of him making himself emotionally unattractive to her, even physically.

"Level 1 respect is about the person who’s demanding and receiving it and not the person who's giving it. Level 2 respect is about the person who is giving it and not the person who's receiving it."

So, what should we do when we suck at earning our spouse's or committed partner's level 2 respect in an area of relationship that we highly value? Let me start by pointing out the first thing we shouldn't do. We shouldn't make him or her feel obligated to admire or adore characteristics and traits about us that doesn't do it for them. Why? Because as I stated earlier, this often leads to him or her lying to us in order to please us and or them feeling self-betrayal because he or she had to sacrifice their integrity to avoid a nasty period of relationship with us. Anytime there's a lose win or a win lose in committed relationships, the person on the losing end can easily lose emotional attraction for his or her partner. And that's certainly not the response we're going for...right? Yeah...right.

Committed Relationships must be win/win if they're going to be highly successful. So, in this situation, how does Anquan and Amanda both win? They both win by Anquan accepting Amanda's truth. Notice here that I didn't say it was the truth. Amanda's level 2 respect is hers to give. It's a dynamic thing. She can't just arbitrarily decide to give it away. It has to be pulled out of her. Like a moth to a flame, Anquan has to draw it out of her. His talent has to be a flame that her admiration and adoration can be drawn to if he desires her level 2 for his art. She just can't be attracted to what she's not attracted to. And neither of them are at fault here. Because he naturally doesn't own the artistic talent that appeals to her, he can't draw level 2 out of her. And she can't blame herself for not owning a natural attraction and interest for his art. And if she doesn't go out of her way to criticize it, this shows discernment and wisdom. It shows that she knows her distaste for his work may not speak for others. But, if he's going to force her opinion, she shouldn't have to lie to keep the relationship happy and gleaming.

So, what should we do in such a situation. We should embrace the fact that we don't do it for him or her in that area and appreciate their honesty. And doing so better increase our chances of earning his or her level 2 respect. How? Because we're showing our partner another of our great qualities. We're showing him or her that we value his or her honest feelings and opinions about us, even when those opinions and feelings don't favor us. In other words, we value his or her point of view. Doesn't mean we have to agree with that view. But the fact that our ego is secure enough to let him or her express his or her honest feelings without us feeling rejected, dejected, or betrayed is a tasty and undeniable treat that's very difficult to resist being emotionally attracted to. And this is especially helpful when we fall short of earning our partner's level 2 respect on a matter that's dearest and nearest to his or her heart. And after we've tried and recognized that we can't, if we can humbly and regrettably admit that as much as we'd like to, we presently aren't capable of earning his or her level 2 in that area, it could possibly earn us the necessary grace from them that the relationship needs to remain vibrant and relevant. Admitting such doesn't mean this will always be the case. As the relationship moves along, we may accrue this capability and then be able to earn their level 2 in that area of the relationship.

So why do we feel rejected, dejected, or betrayed when he or she expresses their honest feelings to us that doesn't favor us? Because we all have expectations. We want the person who's closest to us...who we're closest to, and the one we've given it all to and for, to praise our abilities, qualities, and or accomplishments. Especially when we feel it's our greatest and most talented offering. And it means the most to us when it comes from him or her, or at least it should. And when he or she doesn't favor us in that regard, it can be the biggest let down. Unfortunately, we sometimes have a higher opinion of ourselves than we should. And then again, sometimes our opinion of ourselves is spot on. But, whether or not our partner's honest feelings about us are on point or not doesn't change the fact that he or she should be allowed to express his or her honest feelings, even if what he or she feels about us is dead wrong. Yes, we'll be losing their admiration or adoration points because of the wrong view they have. And sometimes, there's nothing we can do about that. And arguing with him or her for the sake of proving our point or to try and change his or her mind is a no, no. Don't do it.

When this is the case, it's best to show and tell. If we know his or her view of us is wrong, we shouldn't change course just because he or she fails to see in us the qualities and abilities that we know we have and that others would and do appreciate in us. The fact is though...we're not committed to others. And it's likely that there are other qualities and traits that those same others wouldn't admire about us that our partner does. If our qualities or abilities are legit, and we know they are...we have to stay true to ourselves and wait for them to catch up to us. And I'll admit, this can be one of the most frustrating things about being in a committed relationship. That is...waiting for them to catch up. And because we don't own a crystal ball, we don't know if they ever will. We don't know if we'll be waiting in vain. And if this thing is a dealbreaker need for us, this is where we become tempted to jump ship, bail out of the plane, and parachute to what we think are greener pastures. And while I'll admit, depending on why we bail, there are possibly greener pastures. However, there's a very good chance we'll have to face this same dilemma or a similar one in those new greener pastures. What we have to try and remember is this; we all aren't as mature in some areas as we should be, can be, or will be. And this creates blind spots. And blind spots may require as much grace as we can muster. Next week, we'll talk more about them in Part 2 on Respect.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please tell someone about it. And do consider subscribing. As I produce upcoming podcasts and books, you’ll be the first to be notified. I promise that your email information won’t be sold because I really value the intimate community of readers my blog attracts and wouldn’t risk your patronage for the world.

And last, always remember, the costs of committed relationships often exceed their price tag.

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