Why do Solely Committed Relationships Fail?

Why Solely Committed Relationships Fail?

Why do committed relationships fail? It certainly isn’t because men are from Mars and women Venus. And it’s not even because couples grow apart or fall out of love over time. Believe it or not, it’s not because someone cheats in or on the relationship. These are mere symptoms of the reason they fail.

But we can’t really know the reason they fail until we understand the reason people commit. So, why do people commit? Wouldn’t it be easier to have casual flings here and there with no strings, obligations, expectations, or responsibilities? Isn’t it natural to avoid such things? Yes, that is…until we realize that we too have strings, obligations, and expectations that can only be met and sustained inside of a committed relationship. Therefore, we do so for the promises committed relationships offer. Because committed relationships make promises that casual relationships inherently can’t. And these promises are based on the strings, obligations, and expectations both partners bring to the relationship.

Without these promises, the relationship wouldn’t be worth committing to and very few, if any, would. Truth is…no one commits to a relationship for the other person. People get into this relationship because it promises to meet their own needs; needs they can’t meet by themselves and for themselves. And it must be this way for reasons that'll be fully explained across this blog series. So yeah, unmet promises are the very first clues as to why committed relationships so often fail.

From the very beginning, individual needs are both stated and implied in these relationships. But it usually isn’t the stated needs that are the problem, although they can be. Often, it’s the implied needs that causes most relationship failures. Before the hidden fees that were hidden in cell phone contracts were exposed, cell phone customers were none the wiser. Many excepted these fees because they were a part of the total monthly service fee patrons had to pay in order to receive service. The fact that many signed long-term contracts prove customers felt the service was worth the cost. And hidden fees weren’t an issue because it was included in the total cost customers were willing to pay for the service. The operative phrase here is "willing to pay."

In committed relationships, the hidden fees are implied needs and or wants. And in committed relationships, implied needs and wants have a tendency to raise the costs that comes with being in committed relationships. In the cell phone service relationship of service provider and customer, hidden fees were already calculated in the total cost of service. So when a customer signed a contract with the service provider, they agreed to a locked in monthly cost. But in committed relationships, often, these fees are not calculated in the total cost of commitment. Because of this, the cost continues to increase as the relationship moves from the honey-moon period to its settled phase. It’s in this phase that hidden costs begin rearing their ugly heads. And it’s in this phase that people begin reassessing their commitment and questioning if they’ve made the right decision. And it’s in this phase that people start having buyer’s remorse.

Truth is, this can even happen with stated needs, too. How? Because often, people underestimate the needs of the other person they’ve committed to. And often, because they’re too eager to please the other person, they put up with things from the start that they wouldn’t and shouldn’t otherwise. But when the relationship reaches its settled phase, they often conclude that the other person is asking too much of them. For instance, a guy might pull back on his relationship with a childhood best friend simply because his girl manipulates all of his time and attention. His friend almost begs for time to hang out like they used to before she came along. But he always makes excuses centered around her. Over time and in moments of clarity, he realizes the relationship demands are largely one-sided and draws the conclusion that committing to her is costing him more than he’s willing to pay.

In this example, he knew he was pulling back on his relationship with his best friend. And he was willing to pull back some. But learning that she wants him to give up his relationship with his best friend was a cost he didn’t see coming. The stated needs part of this example is his girl’s obvious need for his full time and attention. And, within reason, he was willing to pull back on his relationship with his best friend to give her time and attention. The implied need of this example, however, is her need for him to practically give up his relationship with his childhood best friend. This is a cost he didn’t agree to when he committed. And it’s this kind of implied or hidden cost that often causes committed relationships to fail.

So how do couples in committed relationships avoid becoming a victim of hidden costs? That’s a pretty loaded question that’ll take multiple blog posts and discussions to fully answer. But for the remainder of this blog post, I’ll discuss two beginner topics that should be understood to help reduce fratricide in committed relationships due to issues like hidden costs. These topics are inclusive and exclusive needs.

What are inclusive needs? Inclusive needs are individual needs that can only be satisfied inside a committed relationship. For instance, if a woman always dreamed of having a traditional marriage and family of her own, she can’t fulfill this need without a man. This is an inclusive need. Exclusive needs, on the other hand, are needs that a person can fulfill without ever being in a committed relationship. For example, if this same woman had dreams of becoming a psychologist, she wouldn’t need a committed relationship to achieve this.

So how does knowing this brings about clarity on committed relationship failure? First, inclusive and exclusive needs shed even more light on the reasons people get into committed relationships and help us isolate what those reasons are. Second, and most importantly, they reveal whose responsibility it is to satisfy relationship needs in committed relationships. For example, often in relationships, a person will hold their partner responsible for satisfying individual needs that he or she should be working to fulfill and not their partner. An example of this is the baggage people often bring into relationships. Often in relationships, one partner will subconsciously expect their partner to heal their baggage issues by placing demands on him or her that are not only unfair but also difficult to maintain. For instance, one partner was cheated on in a prior relationship. And to prevent that from happening in their next relationship, he or she controls their partner’s every move. They recklessly smother their partner’s freedoms with a litany of checks and balances that severely reduces their autonomy, while simultaneously weaking their resolve to remain committed.

Why do some partners tolerate this behavior? Because at first, it's cute being made a fuss over. In the early stages, many falsely associate being made a fuss over as being loved or cared about. And that’s a real good feeling. And that person may love and care about them. But that’s not why they’re doing it, even if they admit to doing it for those reasons. They’re doing so because there’s often a hidden exclusive need inside disguising itself as an inclusive need that's prompting them to do so. Being made a fuss over to the point of controlling their partner is often an exclusive need in the form of baggage that’s disguising itself as an inclusive need. And when this is the case, this inclusive need often shows up as a heavy demand for exclusivity which dynamically equals control, time, and attention. But the root cause of this need is their attempt to avoid being hurt again due to betrayal. It’s often a subconscious and automated response manufactured into their personality by previous events that resulted in pain. And, as our human nature dynamics demands and dictates, we consciously and subconsciously protect ourselves from potential environments and actions that hurt us in the past. The word dynamic means naturally occurring energy or action. People suffering from such conditions should be treated for them and have them corrected before entering a new relationship. Unfortunately, so often, they either think they don’t have a problem in this area or is oblivious to it.

Another reason people don’t immediately call out their partner when they try and turn their exclusive needs into inclusive ones is because they want to please their partner. They value accommodation as this is part of their inclusive need to be in a relationship. And getting their partner’s atta boy or atta girl approval not only confirms that they've met their goal of being accommodating, it gives them the energy they need to continue do the relationship’s work, which is to satisfy their partner’s strings, expectations, and desires. But often, one or two things happen that overwhelm their ability to satisfy their partner’s stings, expectations, and desires.

One, the more they do, the more they must do. It’s like their partner is chasing that next high and what they did for their partner the last time isn’t good enough this time. Their partner wants more and more. And when he or she comes up short, no atta boys or girls are given. This leaves him or her feeling undervalued and underappreciated, which in turn means they aren’t getting the energy boost he or she needs to do the relationship’s work. And over time, he or she sees their partner’s fussing and overbearing demands as an unwanted and unnecessary liability. Eventually, he or she grows weary and lose tolerance. It’s at this juncture that respect is lost and the relationship is primed for failure.

The second thing that eventually overwhelms his or her ability to satisfy their partner’s needs and wants is self-neglect. Self-neglect comes into play when one person over prioritizes meeting their partner’s needs over their own. This can happen in two ways. One, it happens when that person spends more time and effort satisfying their partner’s needs and wants with a natural side effect of neglecting their own. Two, it happens when a person satisfies their partner’s needs and wants in lieu of their own. In lieu of here means their partner's needs conflict with their own. Yet, proverbially speaking, he or she robs Peter to pay Paul. This leaves him or her conflicted for reasons that will be fully explained in future posts.

Often, when one person in the relationship turns their exclusive needs into inclusive needs, they have an expectation for those inclusive needs to be met by their partner. And often, these inclusive needs are baggage related. And the person who is unwittingly put on the hook to service these needs often end up bearing a cross of suffering and punishment for pain and suffering they didn’t cause. And what's even sadder is the person demanding that this baggage related inclusive need be met is often oblivious to this burden they've placed on their partner because they're oblivious to the baggage and its needs. Therefore, they can't properly credit and praise their partner for dying on this cross in the person's stead who really deserves to be on that cross. And his or her inability to acknowledge this unrighteous and unfair suffering over time leads to relationship breakdown. Because no one wants to unceremoniously die on a cross that's not theirs to bear in the first place. But if they must die on this cross, they at least expect to be acknowledged and memorialized in their partner's heart for their selfless act of love towards him or her. But it's hard for partners suffering from this kind of baggage to acknowledge what they can't and don't see. And this inability makes dying on this cross meritless. This is a part of what I call the Tangled Wire Phenomenon. But that’s for a later blog. Also, in a future blog post, we’ll show how inclusive needs infringe on exclusive ones.

In closing, we've discussed the following points:

·Why people solely commit to one partner in a relationship

·What are relationship promises

·What are hidden costs

·What are Inclusive and Exclusive desires

Our next blog will be on Human Nature Dynamics and their affect on Committed Relationships. And, if you’ve enjoyed this blog, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. I won’t sell your information. I value your patronage too much to do that. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

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