Communications in Relationships Part II

Communication in Committed Relationship Part 2

Welcome to part two of the Communication in Committed Relationships blog. In part one, I unpacked the key reasons couples in committed relationships effortlessly lose their way in the communication process. And these key reasons are based around assumptions. And in part one, I began uncovering the hidden human nature dynamics that are directly responsible for the viral assumptions that lead to poor and ineffective communication. In part two, I will continue this unveiling. However, it is important to note and understand that assumptions are not the root cause of poor and ineffective communication. They’re merely the symptoms produced by the Petrie dish of root human nature dynamics that’s neatly tucked away inside our relationship’s subconscious. With this crucial understanding in mind, let’s pick up where we left off, shall we?

Another reason miscommunication happens in committed relationships is because of mistrust. We covered this one in the TRUST blog. Mistrust in this situation usually isn’t about us questioning our partner’s fidelity or willingness to remain true to the relationship. It’s usually about us questioning whether or not they’re willing to meet our desires…our unfulfilled needs and wants. Because when they don’t, we naturally feel purposely neglected. And the longer we feel this way, the more we’re convinced it’s true. It usually doesn’t cross our mind that the reason our partner doesn’t meet our desires is because they can’t. But why don't we? Because as I’ve stated in previous blogs, we’re blinded by the committed relationship promise. That is…we naively believe that just because they love us and are willing to marry or commit to us, that they'll be able to meet every one of our needs. And that just isn’t true. Usually, they want to meet all of our needs. But sometimes, they just can’t. But it’s our dealbreakers we really need them to meet. And sometimes, they can’t even meet all of those.

And because we believe they can but won’t, we stop trusting that their motives for us are well-meaning...well-intentioned. The end result of this is more assumptions-based communications. And these aren't good assumptions, either. And these assumptions usually lie deep within our subconscious. We don't realize we're infusing them into our communication process. And when we do, these assumptions lead to accusations that we can't prove.

For instance, let's say that a spouse has no romantic interest in their neighbor. However, the spouse who’s having mistrust issues accuses that spouse of having romantic interest in their neighbor because that spouse cooked a steak for their neighbor. But when the suspicious spouse asked that spouse to bake a cake for him or her, that spouse refuses. But that spouse has always plainly stated that he or she is terrible at making cakes and very good at grilling steaks. And the accused spouse has a natural, friendly, and helpful personality.

Unfortunately, when our communication is based on this kind of mistrust and that mistrust leads to assumptions and assumptions leads to unfounded and false accusations about our partner's fidelity, this communication process doesn't protect our relationship from infidelity, it often promotes it. And not just from our partner...but from us, too.

Had this spouse been able to naturally meet the complaining spouse’s needs, the complaining spouse most likely would not have felt threaten by their partner's kind act to their neighbor. And accusing their partner of romantic intent is just his or her way of making sense of their partner's neglect of their needs, while meeting the needs of someone they didn’t make a committed promise to. Unfortunately, when our communication is based on this kind of mistrust and that mistrust leads to assumptions and assumptions leads to unfounded and false accusations about our partner's fidelity, this communication process doesn't protect our relationship from infidelity, it often promotes it. And not just from our partner...but from us, too.

One of the biggest lies people in committed relationships tell their partner is, I trust you, but I don’t trust the opposite sex. I typically hear women say this more than I do men. However, there are times when a man says it, and it's true. Men who love and care about the woman in their lives don't won't her becoming a victim of another man's whims. They know the average man's ability to physically overpower a woman. So, when he says, " I trust you but I don't trust him or them," he could be telling the truth. But the opposite isn't true. If a woman physically over powers a man, it's because he wanted her to.

But for women, they believe it's all the same when the will of his big head can be easily overpowered by the will of his smaller one. And this is the head they believe that women can easily physically overpower. Therefore, the phrase, "I trust you but not them," is the smooth lie they tell their man and themselves to make it ok to not trust their man and their man not call them on it. On average, women routinely don’t trust their man around other women no matter how trustworthy he is. And they don’t because of the hormone testosterone. Because of this seemingly unwieldy hormone flowing through his body, I believe most women find it difficult to trust that a man, let alone their man, can turn down a woman who throws herself at him. And even though she might hope he would, she doesn’t fully believe he would. And she doesn’t believe he would because she doesn’t believe he could. She can even believe he wants to. But if only subliminally, she doesn’t believe he can. If she did, she'd say, I trust you to handle yourself appropriately and leave it at that.

Most women in loving committed relationships trust the person her man is but not his nature. And in their minds, he and his nature are two different people. And because she doesn’t have a crystal ball to reassure her that he’d make the right decision should another woman use her feminine wiles on him, she has to control the situation. Why? Because she’s got too much at stake to let that happen. Her heart is at stake. And she’d rather lessen his movements around other women than shoulder the risk of him moving freely around them and getting burned. And that’s in more ways than one.

When I first started writing on relationships, I used to ask women this question. I asked, hypothetically speaking, what if your man could only say good and wonderful things to and about you. He could never say anything negative or bad to you. And it would be impossible for him to hurt you in word or deed. And he could only do good things for you and only say good things to you. He couldn’t do anything that would hurt you or cause you pain. And he could only do things that benefits you. I’d say, “You understand.” They’d ask for clarification if they needed it. But most would say, “ok.”

Then I’d say, you could have as much as you want of hearing him say sweet and wonderful things to and about you or doing sweet and wonderful things for you. Which one would you choose the most. I’d reiterate. You can have both, but which would you want the most. Overwhelmingly, women chose doing sweet and wonderful things for them. And when I asked why, they’d tell me that he can fake his intent by saying sweet and wonderful things but doing sweet and wonderful things would be harder to fake. I couldn’t believe their response. One after the other would give me almost the same exact reasoning. This proved to me that women inherently don’t trust men. Because I gave them two scenarios that hypothetically proved the man’s intent could only be pure, faithful, benevolent, and true, whether he said good things or did good things for them. Yet, they still answered as if the question posed to them was about real life. This is one reason women who say to their trustworthy man..."I trust you but not her," aren’t telling the truth. The fact is…they may trust their man’s intentions and desire to keep it home, but they don’t trust his nature or ability to do so.

In conclusion, mistrust that happens because of needs neglect is a big contributor to ineffective communication. Their symptoms often include assumptions and unsubstantiated accusations. And the person who harbors this mistrust often doesn't realize he or she has it. If this mistrust was based on infidelity, they'd know they had it. But, because it's based on needs neglect, it often goes undiagnosed and therefore, unrealized. But remember, not only are assumptions and unsubstantiated accusations symptoms of mistrust, mistrust and even trust too are symptoms and not root cause.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

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