Are Marriages Covenants or Contracts?

ARE MARRIAGES COVENANTS OR CONTRACTS

I was browsing social media one day and saw where a preacher stated that marriage is a covenant and not a contract. But aren’t covenants and contracts the same? They practically are. According to Merriam Webster, a covenant is a usually formal, solemn, and binding agreement and or a written agreement or promise usually under seal between two or more parties especially for the performance of some action. And a contract is a binding agreement between two or more persons or parties. Don’t both definitions sound exactly the same? Yes, they do. Then why would a pastor declare that marriage is a covenant and not a contract? Perhaps because many clergy or people of faith treat covenants in what they consider to be a spiritual manner, as it pertains to God’s covenant and not in the general nature we tend to think of covenants and contracts.

Truth is, marriage is both a covenant or contract and a promise or vow. Consciously, it's a vow or promise. Subconsciously, it's a covenant or contract. What's the difference? Unlike covenants, vows are solo promises and are individual in nature. They don’t require agreement with two or more parties like covenants and contracts do. When individual’s make vows, they make promises without any expectations or conditions that another party must meet to fulfill the vow. We can make vows to ourselves and to others. But when we make a promise based on the conditions of a second or third party, this a contract or a covenant.

However, some covenants that God made in the bible are more like vows than they are covenants. One such covenant is when God promised to never flood the whole earth again. This covenant wasn’t based on humans or any of earth’s inhabitants meeting some condition. He simply made a vow to earth and her inhabitants that would be reflected by periodic rainbows in the sky. Often, vows are personal in nature and usually aren’t legally binding, although, they can be. For instance, if a man wrecked his neighbor’s car and promised to fix it, and later changed his mind, if that neighbor can prove in a court of law that he promised to do so, the judge will most likely enforce the promise. In this example, the owner of the wrecked car doesn’t make an agreement to meet certain conditions for this man to fix his or her car. So, it isn’t a covenant.

Vows or promises are about what an individual asynchronously commits to regardless of what the other person in the relationship does or does not do or can or cannot do. In other words, one party can make a promise or vow to another without the other making a reciprocal promise or conditional agreement that must be satisfied for that person to fulfill their vow. Therefore, culpability to keep vows rests with the vow maker only and only the vow recipient can release that person from their solemn oath. And regardless of how the person receiving the vow behaves in the future, the vow must be kept unless the recipient releases him or her from it.

However, covenants and contracts differ. From beginning, they express terms of the relationship that are based on conditions. Covenants and contracts suggest that both parties are capable of meeting the terms of the contract or covenant and describes the penalty for not doing so. Covenants and contracts allow two or more parties to engage in harmonious relationship with each other. For both or all parties know what they must do to keep the relationship from breaking down. But covenants and contracts are like faith and trust. Faith and trust are synonyms. But faith tends to be given without any prior proof at all that something will be done, and trust tends to be given based on prior experience that proves something can be done or has been done. Covenants and contracts too are synonyms. But covenants seems to more about close relationships than contracts. Contracts comes off as more impersonal, very matter-of-factish, and unforgiving. This is why we tend to think of marriages as covenants and not contracts. Because of the close relationships covenants tend to symbolize, attributes like love and forgiveness are usually more associated with them that with contracts.

Ultimately, marriages are covenants and not vows. And covenants are types of contracts. And yes, traditionally, people who get married say vows. But they say these vows under the conscious and subliminal expectation that the other party will meet certain conditions of the marriage. This automatically converts their vows into covenants. And these are not the vow-like covenants God made. If most people understood what vows really are and that under God’s expectation vows are never to be broken because they’re based on a person’s individual wishes and unforced promisen or promises, most people wouldn’t say vows when getting married or they just wouldn't get married. Because saying unbreakable vows would make marriage more inherently unfair than it already is. And rightfully so. Because who can predict tomorrow. Who can know what a person will or won’t do. People change all the time. And not being able to divorce would leave many people burden, hopeless, murderous, and in bondage to a person who refuses to do right and or be fair, in spite of that person's spouse's willingness to do right and be fair. Because of this, covenants don't have to spell out every detail like some mortgage contract with a bank will, but it should meet the minimum and must needs requirements that both parties expects when they enter into a committed relationship like marriage. But as previous blogs have addressed, it's very difficult for covenants to meet these requirements when either or both parties haven't reach individual maturity.

Some Christian reading this will say, what about God's word? It says you can’t divorce. Which isn’t true. Jesus gave guidance on when a believer can divorce. Then, other Christians will agree with that. But then they’ll say, but he never said you can remarry after getting a divorce. They’ll say the bible only says that a person who lost their spouse through death can remarry. Then others will say that divorce only pertains to the espousal or engagement period where if a person commits fornication or sexual immorality, the other can break the covenant, contract, or promise to marry. I won’t delve into this paradox right now because this is for a whole other blog or blog series. But I will say this; every believer in Christ must keenly study the bible for his or herself, arrive at the truth for his or herself, and live by the convictions of that truth. This is why Jeremiah chapter 31 verses 31-33 and other scriptures tells us that we can learn from God directly and that he’ll inform us of what right is if we’ll seek his righteousness and not our own (Matt 6:31).

Since I started this blog off with the idea of what a pastor stated about marriages only being covenants, I want to ask this question. Did God ever issue penalties against his people for violating the covenant he made with them? The answer is, yes. He did. But before looking at some of them, let’s look at how God kept his end of the deal when the covenant he made was later violated by the descendants of the ones his covenant was made with. For instance, in the book of Malachi, God tells the priest it's only because of his promise to their father Levi that their office remained. He goes on to tell them that their father Levi kept his part of the covenant. And because Levi did, he wouldn’t destroy their place, even though they despised his covenant. And he made a covenant with King Solomon and the nation of Israel that when they sinned, that wherever they were, if they turned back toward Jerusalem and prayed with a contrite heart that he’d forgive them.

In Jeremiah chapter 3 verses 1-8, as we read, we hear God admit he divorced Israel for not keeping the covenant he made with her. But he never divorces her sister Judah. And I believe he doesn’t because it was already prophesied that Judah would produce the Christ or the Messiah. But the fact is, God did and still does exercise the right to divorce those who claim his name but does not keep his covenant. If it were not so, Jesus wouldn’t have stated that he who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of heaven.

Other controversy surrounding covenants and vows in the bible is from the book of Judges the 11th chapter. In this book, Jephthah made an unwise vow. He vowed that if God gave him victory over his enemies, he’d sacrifice whatsoever first greeted him when he returned home. Unfortunately, the first to greet him was his own daughter. It was a ridiculous vow to make to begin with. It makes one wonder, what was he expecting...a donkey, sheep, or something? But he’d made a vow to God, one that God didn’t ask him to make. It appears that he believed that he couldn't ask God to break this unscrupulous vow. He could’ve asked God's forgiveness based on the fact that God commanded Moses to never burn their children in sacrificial offerings. These are things the pagan countries surrounding them did for their gods, and God wanted to separate Himself from all pagan Gods. And I mainly mention Jepthath’s act here to demonstrate an example of vow keeping in the bible.

Yes, vows are supposed to be kept regardless of whether times are favorable to keep the vow or not. But his keeping of this vow violated God’s commandment. (e.g., Lev 18:21, 24-25; Deut 18:10; Jer. 7:31) Today, this is supposed to be why we say in sickness or in health. But what I've learned is that people consciously make vows but subconsciously operate in marriage based on covenants or contracts. They take for granted when making their vows that both will do everything in their power to meet the others needs, never realizing that either or neither may be able or capable of doing so. Therefore, the premise on which the vow was made is faulty. When it comes to committed relationships, I don't believe that one can meet the others needs but isn't willing to or chooses not to do so. Even when it seems people have the physical ability to meet them, they may not have the soulful energy to do so.

And when they don't, I believe they don't because they can't. And often they cant because it's not in their dynamic energy best interest to. The first thing we must understand is when we don't own the organic and dynamic propensity or proclivities to meet our partners relationship needs, this produces natural, organic, and dynamic resistance. And anytime there's resistance to getting anything done, it requires work to overcome that resistance. And work requires energy and energy requires an energy source. In relationships, that energy source is our "I", and remember, our "l " draws its energy from our desires which consist of our unfulfilled needs and wants. If what our partner needs conflicts with our needs or wants, or doesn't organically and dynamically support them, we'll naturally lack an organic and dynamic energy source to draw from when it's time to do the hard work necessary to combat and overcome the resistance that so naturally and dynamically opposes our stated and or implied promise and intent to meet our partners inclusive needs and or support their exclusive ones. We’re asking the muzzled ox to tread out our corn when we expect our partner to meet our needs, when doing so is in contention with their own. And the only way their needs can change to align with ours is by becoming convinced that such an alignment, which includes the abandoning of their original needs and wants, will give him or her the dynamic utility of energy he or she needs to be present in the relationship and energized to do the relationship's work. And when this happens, this change becomes a part of who he or she is and therefore becomes a part of his or her dynamic offering, which automatically produces the energy he or she needs to meet their partner’s needs.

In closing, marriage is more covenant based than it is contractual, although both are synonyms. But covenant tends to be less matter-of-fact about exercising its penalties than contracts are. They tend to be more forgiving and understanding, which is what close relationships like marriage need to survive. However, as it pertains to marriage and committed relationships, covenants are often subliminal in nature. And these subliminal covenants are the premise on which conscious vows are made. Therefore, it is the keeping of this subliminal covenant that gives occupants of the marriage or committed relationship the conscious and subliminal energy needed to meet the conscious vows they make to each other. Meaning, when both are getting their key needs met, they have the energy to keep such vows as in until death do us part. And you'll probably never attend a wedding where people who keep traditional vows say something like, until death do us part...if...if you never cheat on me, stop having sex with me, or beat me within one inch of my life. But you can best believe all those things are implied in the marriage covenant.

Truthfully, today's traditional wedding vows are not really vows. They meet the terms of covenants more than they do vows. And covenants can be broken, when agreed upon stipulations aren't met. And when it comes to marriage and committed relationships, many of their covenant stipulations are subliminal, which naturally mean they will most likely not be upheld. And vows aren't supposed to be broken unless the person the vow is being made to releases the owner from their obligation. But most marital vows are premised on subliminal covenants being kept. This means that if this covenant isn't kept, most likely the vows it produced won't be kept, either. And if they are kept, they'll be lifeless, void of energy, and lackluster to say the least. In other words, dutiful...or check the box.

Last, divorce should never be a first choice when a marriage is on the brinks of failure. And I believe there's always hope, if couples are able to get the right counsel, and if they're willing to do the work of rebuilding their energy sources and stores, and put the past behind. And for such are my blogs written. Because I believe any marriage can be saved, until it can't.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and relationship materials. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

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