Maturity

MATURITY

Well-formed Committed Relationships are like fine wines. Not necessarily because of the time it takes for them to age. But because of the ingredients they possess and how well these ingredients chemically react to each other when combined. When wine is first made, the individual flavors that forms the wine's composition standout, as if each elemental flavor has reservations about becoming tainted with the other flavors, and as if doing so would cause it to compromise its individual identity. But as time goes on, it’s like every elemental ingredient and its flavors learn they’re all on the same team and have resigned to the same goal…and that is...to not only become the best wine, but to become one individual distinct taste. And that distinct oneness and agreement is what wine connoisseurs test for with every sip that flow across their palate.

When this process is complete, the wine is said to have matured or aged. But not all wines age well. Factors such as the type of grapes used, the soil and climate conditions, the storage conditions, and how well all the bottle’s ingredients evolve together play a huge part in how well it ages. And the success of committed relationships are much the same.

In wine making, certain grapes don’t have all the right properties for aged wine making. This is not to say that they won’t taste good if consumed immediately after becoming wine. But according to articles I’ve read, they tend to have a freshness and fruitiness that's indicative of the wine's individual flavors. In other words, the bottle’s ingredients haven’t mixed or evolved to become one taste. There are many relationships where the couple’s individual chemical processes don’t blend well or at all. They do well in the short run or the honeymoon period. But when the relationship stretches out for longevity, like the wines that don't age well, neither do they. These wines have grapes that don't have the right sugar levels, acidity, and other necessary properties needed to form a complementary chemical process when blended with other ingredients that lead to the wine becoming one distinct pleasurable taste. Like these grapes, many couples in committed relationships don’t have the right properties needed to make them worthy of an aging process that drives them to becoming one distinct flavor and taste. Their individual flavors and processes don't adhere well and requires serious work to develop this capability. And as previous blogs that I've written on "relationship work" suggests, this kind of work requires tremendous renewable energy. And when individual inclusive and exclusive needs and wants aren't met by either or both individuals in the relationship, this renewable energy can't be produced. The result is a relationship that's full of individualism and very little oneness.

In committed relationships, individuals must be the kind of grapes that can stand the aging process. They must be individually mature. ‘Cause when they are…they own the necessary ingredients every committed relationship needs to be successful. Maturity is the watchword and defense against the sneaky variables that hinder an otherwise genuine, copious, and copacetic union. The adjective “sneaky” refers to the ignorance, emotional curiosities or temptations, and flagrant passions or desires that rob us of the self-discipline, sound judgement, wisdom, and understanding it takes to establish and maintain a healthy committed relationship. Maturity is about both people knowing themselves to a point of brutal self-honesty and admiral personal integrity. And this can’t happen without facing ugly truths about ourselves. And it can’t happen if we remain blind to these truths.

Maturity is also about us knowing exactly what we want from a committed relationship and us knowing what we’re able to sacrifice and concede to the relationship as types of barter or trade to get our needs met. It’s also having the ability to clearly articulate what we want and what we’re willing to sacrifice and concede to get our needs met. And when we have, our partner should have a clear understanding about what our dealbreakers and compromisables are. Yeah, I know. Compromisable is not a word. But I think you get the idea. Doing this upfront lets both persons know what they’re in for. And both should be honest about their perceived ability or inability to meet the other’s desires and objectives for the union.

Why is this so important? Because dealbreakers aren’t compromisable. Remember, a dealbreaker is something you can’t live with or something you can’t live without. And remember, people get into committed relationships to get their needs met. No one ever tells their partner, “Oh, don’t worry about my needs; only let me meet yours.” Getting into a committed relationship is a need for those who desire reaping benefits that meet their needs and or wants or else they wouldn’t seek to be in one. And getting into a committed relationship isn’t about finding the person that completes us. Just as the individual ingredients in wine start out whole, so should we. Therefore, we should already be whole when we decide to partner up. Whole here means not needing someone to solve us or save us. Getting into a committed relationship is about being with someone who complements and compliments us and us them. And this means meeting needs for us that requires being in a committed relationship to meet. But if the reasons we committed to a relationship, which should be to meet legitimate needs and wants that can only be satisfied inside the relationship setting, if we can’t get them met from this union, there’s little to no energy to be gain from it; only work. And because work requires energy, this work cannot be sustained over time. And this severely affects the relationship's aging and longevity potential. And as a result, the relationship will be doomed to failure.

The conscious and subconscious goal of all couples in committed relationships is to pair with a life partner that causes each person the least amount unwanted relationship work and the greatest amount of support for their energy needs. And our human nature dynamics suggest that we do. Like water, wind, and just about any other animated force on earth, we naturally seek the least path of resistance. Meaning, we naturally avoid as much work as possible to get our needs met. Why? Because work requires energy, and energy isn’t cheap. It’s expensive. And getting with the right person means our energy gets renewed dynamically, frequently, and automatically. And getting with the right person means we spend less of it on the frivolous and unnecessary, such as on unprofitable arguments, frustrations, and disagreements that come with being with the wrong or less complementary partner. And the more mature and aware each person is from the onset about their own needs and wants, the validity and appropriateness of their needs and wants, their partner's needs and wants, and the likelihood of both blending to form a oneness that will stand the test of time, can and will severely lessen the enmity that often comes from such ignorance of the same.

Becoming aware of these things after both have committed can and most likely will lead to buyer's remorse. This is where the cost of committed relationships began costing more than their initial price tag. And these usually are costs that neither agreed to when they said I do. People feel most committed to keep and fulfill promises or obligations when they understand what it is they are agreeing to, and when they know the kind of work they must do upfront to make the relationship last. Why? Because they have a chance to assess their strengths and weaknesses and willingness to endure. This helps us form the right and proper expectation before we commit. Meaning we don't expect more from the relationship than it can offer. Therefore, we valuate or appraise the relationship to determine if it's worth our time, energy, and work and whether or not it can reward our time, energy, and work. And this reward can't be less than the reasons we got into the relationship. Yes, it's possible for people to give all that they have and still come short of meeting their partner's needs, which is the reason he or she got into the relationship. And yes, a partner's needs can be unreasonable from the start. But even when they are reasonable, some people just aren't capable of meeting his or her partner's needs. And sometimes, we aren't capable of meeting our partner's needs, which often prevents him or her from meeting ours, even though they can and would've.

Expectations are so very important. Why? Because they affect our hopes. A synonym of hope is desire. And our desires are comprised up of our needs and wants. The Christian bible says that hope or desire deferred makes the heart or soul sick. A hope that never materializes can and usually has a devastating affect on one's emotional state. And it severely affects our Eros love. Remember, this is the love that most people describe as being in love. It's possible for the other love, Agape love, to never be affected by unmaterialized hopes for the union. Remember, this love isn't an emotional love like Eros. This love is an in spite of love. And as great of love as it is, both loves are necessary to make the relationship perform at its best. With Agape alone, the relationship mostly feels dutiful, patronizing, and charitable. And as much as we may hate to admit, emotional love is necessary for the success of committed relationships. And we often fail at underscoring the dynamic nature of Eros love. Meaning, we often don't understand that Eros love is built on the level 2 respect that comes from meeting our partner's wants and needs and him or her meeting ours. And that meeting our partner's needs is a dynamic and mostly subliminal process. In other words, it happens automatically. And if we don't have the natural proclivities needed to meet our partner's needs and wants, we have to first learn or realize that we don't, make an concerted effort to gain them, and then make them a dynamic and subliminal part of our character. The caveat to doing this is it must not conflict or contradict our own core needs and wants. For if it does, it will be the equivalent of us dying on the cross of love so our partner can live. And if the relationship does last in this condition, it will lose much of the passion it should have. And it'll be similar to a wine that aged but the individual flavors are still distinct and not one taste.

Let’s stop here for now and pick this up in the following blog. As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

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