Your Love Language...really?

Your Love Language...Really?

When people bring up the five love languages, I cringe. Why, do I cringe, you ask? I do because I know there’s a possible caveat. I know that love languages can be disingenuous and misleading, to say the least. Therefore, I usually ask, “Why is this your love language?” And the reason I do is because there’s one or two reasons their professed love language is their love language. One, rogue symptoms that stems from some subliminal and cancerous root issue are masquerading as this love language. Two, this love language is the real deal.

The idea of having a love language can be like a person’s perception. The perception can be real but what’s being perceived isn’t. And this is where keeping it real goes wrong and where it gets deceptive. So many relationships suffer from people trying to satisfy their partner’s insatiable love languages. In a previous blog, I wrote about R&B singer Bobby Womack’s song, “If You Think Your Lonely Now.” In the song, his woman wanted to live like the Joneses. But at the same time, she wanted him at home with her. He tells her he can’t be in two places at one time. He can’t be at home with her and at work earning the money it takes for her to live like her friends. So, the question is, how is it that she failed at drawing this conclusion for herself…by herself? Did she have conflicting needs that easily blinded her to this truth? Did she simultaneously need her man to be at work earning big dollars to satisfy her need to floss in front of her friends while simultaneously needing him to be at home giving her the personal time and attention she needed? And, if so, why? Or did she see this glaring conflict and was too selfish to care?

Could it be that her upbringing was riddled with self-esteem issues that resulted from poor parenting and or socioeconomic conditions that caused her to be socially ridiculed and left out? Or did she come from a prestigious and wealthy family where she got everything she could ever want, except Daddy’s hugs and kisses? And now she’s so spoiled and attention deprived that it lends to her double standard and the conflicting expectations she harbored for the man in her life? Did family drama and disfunction drive her to this love language or is it part of her soul genetics? And, if it is her true love language, is she dealing with root issues that places heavy demands on it as a coping mechanism?

Unfortunately, when people ignorantly label the symptom of an unprofitable root issue as a particular love language, it can lead to severe relationship issues. Why? Because just like in medicine, when doctors only treat symptoms and not root cause, their patient's symptoms continue reoccurring. And just like in real medicine, the symptoms continue to worsen. And every time this symptom is treated under the guise of some love language, and the previous treatment dosage don’t quite satisfy the real root cause, more and greater treatment is needed on subsequent treatments. Let's look at a hypothetical example for clarity.

Hypothetically, she claims he doesn’t spend enough quality time with her. He's currently spending two hours of dedicated quality time with her on a daily basis. So, he ups it to three hours. At first, she’s happy. But unbeknownst to her, her need for quality time is a response to a symptom of a subliminal root problem and not her real love language. Therefore, increasing his time from two to three hours doesn’t satisfy this root issue. So, she complains again. And again, he adjusts his time in an effort to comfort her. But every time he does, she 's happy for a moment. Then, she moves the happy stick even further. Eventually, this leads to him complaining and to a possible relationship breakdown. In this hypothetical scenario, her real problem is she lacks validation and not time. But she may not necessarily lack getting validation from him. As her husband and lover, he could be giving her proper validation. Her validation needs could stem from her lackluster upbringing and childhood. And she could be using his love, time, and attention as coping mechanisms.

I remember the song “Dear Mama” by the late rapper Tupac Shakur. One of the lyrics says, “And even though we had different daddies, the same drama, when things went wrong, we blamed mama.” When I first heard this line, it stuck with me. Many tend to blame, depend upon, use, and or sometimes misuse those closest to them, especially when they know they're loved by them. According to the song’s lyrics, Tupac and his sister blamed their mother for their hardships because their fathers weren’t there. Therefore, it was easy to blame her. Why? Because she was there. Isn’t that oxymoronic. Shouldn’t they have blamed their absent fathers for not being there? It's always easier to blame the person who's there for us than it is those who aren't. But, when he became mature enough to really understand, the song “Dear Mama” was born. And I can only imagine the millions it blessed, even though it came from a self-professed notorious thug and outlaw.

Like Tupac, the woman in my hypothetical is most likely depending on the person closest to her, who she knows without shadow of doubt loves her. And, being ignorant of her subliminal dependency on him to solve a root cause she has no clue about, she consciously and ignorantly misdiagnoses her love language as spending quality time. At no fault of her own, she miscommunicates her needs to him. And when he tries his dead-level best to fulfill her needs, he always comes up short. He comes up short because he's treating a symptom that can never be satisfied. This leads to both being frustrated with each other. She’s frustrated with him for not meeting her needs. And he’s frustrated with her insatiability. And if her deficiency isn’t properly diagnosed and treated, it could possibly lead to a relationship breakdown and at worse a divorce. And the sad truth about it is…she could go into the next marriage with the same issue and end up securing another divorce.

In conclusion, human nature dynamics suggest that we use those closest to us, the ones we know love us without fail, to our advantage and our own ends. And, if we're not thoughtful enough, we can easily take the people who really loves us and have our back for granted. This is one reason some go all out for someone who’s done nothing for them before they will those who have and have always had their backs. The natural and somewhat paradoxical reason they do this is because they’ve already got that love one’s loyalties. But for the ones that hasn’t gone all out for them…they’re still trying to earn their respect. And yes, I know. This mindset and way of thinking feels dumb and stupid, doesn’t it? But it happens all the time, especially in family relationships. And especially with those who haven’t matured to a full understanding of the concepts this blog covers. But two trains of thought come to mind here. One is, the hunter never hunts the same captured prey twice. The other is, no one desires what they already have. But the big question is…does one desire to keep what they already have?

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. I won’t sell your information. I value your patronage too much to do that. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

Subscribe

Subscribe to stay in the know when new content is posted.