What's your Wi-fum?

WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME

Why do lions attack buffalo? Do they hate them? Or, why do crocodile attack wildebeest? Are crocs exacting revenge for past wrongs? Why do fish attack the worm? Is the worm too sexy them to resist? These questions aren’t particularly deep at all, are they? Perhaps the average elementary student could easily answer them. And they’d probably give answers relating to the food chain, wouldn’t they? And they’d probably carry on about these animals needing to eat to survive. But the diabolical essence of each scenario is that one must give up its own life, not willingly, of course, so that the other can live.

Therefore, the lion, croc, and fish’s behaviors are all based on some unfulfilled primitive reoccurring predatorial need, right? Yes. And in the examples above, that need is to eat to stay alive because staying alive requires fuel and energy in the form of food. And this need genetically existed inside each animal prior to its birth. Instinctively, baby crocs know how to hunt from birth. Lion cubs instinctively tussle and stalk each other in preparation for hunting prey when they reach maturity. Long story short, deep within, there’s an unfulfilled primal need that's at the root of each predator's instinctual behavior. And this instinctual behavior is the driving force behind their predatorial nature. The same is true of human behavior.

Every human behavior, be it right or wrong, is based on unfulfilled needs and or wants. But one key difference between humans and most, if not all animals, is that human energy needs are not all instinctual. Some are strictly environmental and or cultural. But whether instinctual, environmental, or cultural, one thing never changes…all their behaviors, be they good or bad, points back to a root need or want that requires and demands some form of energy for that need and or want to be met. I call these unfulfilled needs and wants desires.

Everything we do in life requires energy. Doesn’t matter if we’re doing something for someone or for ourselves. Either way, it still requires energy. For example, let's say you asked Dariah to take you to the store. But her car is low on gas, and she has no money to put gas in it. And she says, “I don’t mind taking you, but I can’t unless you give me gas money.” But what’d be the difference if instead she had a full tank of gas and said, “If I'll take you, but what’s in it for me?”

In the first scenario, Dariah only brings up gas because her car doesn’t have enough fuel to take you where you wanted or needed to go. Her car needs energy in the form of gas. But she’s not charging to take you. But, in the second situation, her car has gas. But she needs to find a reason to take you. And whatever this reason is would be the energy she needs to take you to the store. And it doesn’t mean she’s selfish because she does, although it could. Maybe she doesn’t feel like moving. And until she’s given a reason that meets an unfulfilled desire she has, she lacks the incentive to be, move, and do on the behalf of herself first, and then you. So, what if you offer to pay her more than an uber would charge you? But money doesn’t satisfy an unfulfilled need in her. As a result, she won't drive you. Then you ask what it'd take for her to drive you? She answers with washing her car. You agree, and she hops up and takes you.

Again, in the first scenario, Dariah is naturally energized to take you to the store. She only needs money for gas. The energy she had could’ve come from any number of places. It could’ve come from her having a pleasing nature about her that leads her to helping anyone she can. It could also come from returning the kindness you showed her in the past or paying forward the kindness others showed her. In the second scenario, the car was full of gas, but she needed you to do something for her as motivation for her to take you. In this scenario, Dariah wasn’t naturally moved to take you to the store. And she wasn’t moved by money. But when asked what it’d take to get her to drive you, she wanted her car washed. So, what’s the moral of the story? The bottom line here is that whenever we do for others, our own energy needs must first be met or satisfied. Or we won’t find the motivation to do for others.

For instance, if Tayson says, I did it because it was the right thing to do. Now we know his energy and reason for doing so. If it wasn’t in him to do right, he wouldn’t have the energy to do it. This is true because his energy comes from doing what’s right. He had to first satisfy his own energy needs in the form of motivation to perform the task or behavior expected of him. No one exempt from this natural energy law and requirement. And the characters in both scenarios above were energized by what’s in them. Each had an unfulfilled desire that gave them the initial energy they needed to do for others. In the very first scenario, Dariah had an unfulfilled desire to pay it forward. This gave her energy to do for you. But in the second scenario, she needed her car washed as motivation and energy to do for you. And in the last scenario, Tayson needed it to be the right thing to do to gas up his energy levels to do what he did. In Dariah’s first scenario and Tayson’s only scenario, the deed they perform wasn’t for them. But the energy they got from doing it was for and about them. Therefore, they inevitably and indirectly benefited from the deeds they did for others. But the same isn’t true of Dariah’s second scenario. She did a deed for you. But it took you promising to scratch her back by washing her car. In this case, both you and Dariah directly benefited from her doing for you. Yet, she directly benefited double. She benefited once when your promise to wash her car gave her the energy to drive you. And she benefited because you'll be saving her energy by washing her car for her.

My wife worked for a company that trained her to know the customer’s "What's In It For Me," pronounced (Wii-Fum). WIIFM is an acronym that stands for, What’s In It For Me. There’s no one on the planet who doesn’t initially benefit from anything they do, even when what they do proves unprosperous. Because at minimum, the initial benefit is fulfilling some unfulfilled desire they have. And that’s even when they do things for free or no charge. Therefore, even when we don’t expect or aren’t looking for a thank you, we still benefit from freely doing for others. Because we fulfilled that unfulfilled desire that was in us. And sometimes that unfulfilled desire is just the good feeling we get from freely offering our help or services. And because it was in us to freely do for others, when the opportunity presented itself to do so, we longed to fulfill or satisfy that desire. And if that unfulfilled desire didn’t live inside us, we’d struggle to carry out such character traits. Therefore, to do for others, some unfulfilled desire inside must first be satisfied or we’ll lack the energy and motivation to do for them. And if we’re forced to do these deeds without having an unfulfilled desire to do them, we wouldn’t without complaining and perhaps some prodding.

Why is all this important? When we arrive at this simple, yet complex understanding, we can better understand our own committed relationship. Because everything we do for our partner must benefit us too, or we won’t be inclined to do it...certainly not on a continual basis. When a man buys the woman in his life a diamond ring and proposes, he’s not doing it just for her, he’s doing it because she’s a part of him. Which means he’s ultimately doing it for himself. Because for him to do so, this woman has to meet his level 2 respect or satisfy some trait, value, need, and or want within him. And if he’s buying an engagement ring, he probably desires to marry her. And this unfulfilled desire propels him to take action and buy her that engagement ring.

It’s very difficult for us to do anything that doesn’t fulfill our WIIFM. Why? Because our WIIFM, good or bad, gives us the energy to do whatever it is we endeavor to do or whatever it is someone else wants or needs us to do. And sometimes our WIIFM is innocent. Meaning, if we’re doing something for others, we just need them to meet the initial energy need required for us to perform the task. Meeting that initial need can range from them being friendly to putting gas in our car.

Sometimes, we may not look for them to do anything in return for us helping them. But then again, it can be quid pro quo, too. Meaning, if I do this for you, I’m gonna need you to do something for me. And depending on the situation, this could be innocent, too. This could be in the vein of I’ll scratch your back and you scratch mine. Meaning, we both have needs that each other could meet. And we’ll trade with each other. But then, it could also be where one person asks the other to do something illicit, immoral, or outrageous to get what they need from him or her. And even though this should be frowned upon, it’s possible that this person might agree to do it if such an unethical request doesn’t violate his or her “I” principle. Or, if they’re so needy, greedy, or desperate for their unfulfilled desire to be met. And anytime our WIIFM is met, it energizes us to be, move, and do for ourselves and others. Understanding our WIIFM is one of the big keys to understanding committed relationship failure.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. I won’t sell your information. I value your patronage too much to do that. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

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