RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS

In last week’s blog, we explored the beautiful relationship and friendship the biblical characters David and Jonathan shared. We discussed what made their relationship different from and more effective than today’s garden variety of non-platonic solely committed relationships. This blog is a continuation of that conversation. So, let’s continue.

The efficacy of the platonic relationship David and Jonathan shared in contrast to the failure of non-platonic ones shared between a man and woman clearly discloses the truth about why non-platonic ones fail. Their relationship’s success proves that the real problems that haunt non-platonic relationships are more human nature based than they are based on gender, or anything else. Their relationship proves that the real problem non-platonics face are rooted in individual needs and wants, which produce desires. And their relationship contrast shows that these desires usually lead to both conscious and unconscious expectations that often neither participant can articulate for several reasons.

One, the emotional happiness and fervor that's dynamic to the honeymoon stage often undermines or disarms both person’s inclinations to express their more personal likes and dislikes, needs and wants, because we don’t want to clean the fish before we catch it. Two, we’re ignorant about what it takes to make a great relationship, and ignorant of what our true needs and wants are or how to articulate them. Three, we naturally over rely on love to fill in the gaps and save the day. Meaning, we depend on our partner’s love for us to motivate him or her to fulfill the needs and wants that we have but don’t know we have. And, because we don’t know we have them, we can’t articulate them to him or her. We take for granted that if they love us, they’ll naturally meet both our spoken and unspoken needs and wants. And we believe that this should include future needs and wants, too. We don’t understand that for this to be true, it often means our partner will have to change in some way to accommodate our need and wants…our desires. And we don’t understand that asking them to meet our needs and wants may require them to infringe on his or her own. Again, we don’t understand that there’s a natural and implied human nature dynamic that won’t allow him or her to substitute his or her core needs for our core needs…at least not without controversy.

It is my contention that in loving solely committed relationships, partners don’t ever not want to meet their partner’s desires. They only don’t meet them because they can’t and not because they won't. I hope that makes sense. But in case it doesn’t, let's make it make sense. I believe that every loving and committed couple desires to meet their partner’s needs and wants. But just not at the cost of their own. And it has to be this way. Why? Because as I’ve discussed in previous blogs, our own desires being met is the alternator that keeps our battery charged…the battery we need to supply the cold cranking amperage we need daily to start our motivation engines. This has nothing to do with love or the lack thereof, which is what many try and use as a guilt trip on their partner. And it has nothing to do with one loving his or herself more than his or her partner. It’s simply a matter of us obeying our human nature’s innate and proprietary design for fueling our motivation…the fuel needed for us to be, move, and do. For our individual motivation’s anatomical design and essential disposition rests on the DNA framework of our proprietary internal process that dictates the fuel requirements our motivation needs to fuel our be, move, and do.

Again, this framework is unique to each person. And without it, we’d be worthless. We wouldn’t animate for lack of energy. But each person’s unique motivational fuel needs often clashes. Why? They do because one partner’s needs and wants, that the relationship consciously and subconsciously promised to meet, meaning the inclusive, dealbreaker, and even exclusive needs that often becomes apparent post honey-moon, conflicts with the other partner’s wants and needs that the relationship also promised to meet. And that’s when the real work of being in a non-platonic committed relationship begins. And because both partners lack the ability to satisfy each other’s inclusive dealbreaker needs, and or the exclusive ones disguising themselves as inclusive needs, neither partner functions as the alternator needed to charge each other’s battery.

Ever performed a chore around the house or done something you knew had to be done but you had no energy for? And the fact that you got it done brought little to no joy because you had to muster energy from an unnatural place to do the work? You had to muster the energy from this unnatural place because your natural framework for energy production hadn’t and or couldn’t provide that energy. And you were miserable the whole time you were working? In fact, if you used a number line to describe your level of enjoyment at any phase during the work cycle, it would clearly be noted on the negative side of zero. Ever been in that place? I have. And it’s no fun whatsonever. (I know the word should be whatsoever. I use it in fond memory of an old timer who’s no longer with us.) And long after completing this task, you still felt the sting of misery that accompanied it. This is the drudgery we feel when a partner we love and want to please put demands on us that conflicts with our natural energy production and or when they can’t meet our inclusive dealbreaker needs and wants, which is what the relationship promised and the reason we committed.

The efficacy of David’s and Jonathan’s relationship, when contrasted with other relationships, reveals that these same human nature and individual motivation fuel needs are at the root of their failure, too. Because the same problem that heterosexuals face, people who’re in same-sex marriages complain about, too. Their commitment is also typically based on conscious and or subconscious expectations that the relationship consciously and unwittingly promises to fulfill but can’t. And it can’t for largely the same reasons that heterosexuals can’t. And that is because they get into the relationship to fulfill some inclusive need or in some cases, some exclusive need. However, this is not the platform Jonathan and David’s relationship was built on. Their relationship was formed on and maintain by the level 2 respect that resulted outside of their inclusive or exclusive needs being met. For their relationship was built and maintained on the pure adoration and admiration they harbored for each other’s qualities, abilities, and achievements. Therefore, David and Jonathan could experience a platonic love that naturally surpasses the run of the mill non-platonic love that typical relationships produce. For their love naturally avoided the inherit expectations that plague non-platonic committed relationships. In fact, their love outperforms familial relationships, too. And it does because familial relationships are also plagued by the expectation styled mandates that heterosexual and same-sex relationships inherently suffer from.

The phrase is…blood is thicker than water. And this comparison is a popular cliché because it acknowledges that both blood and water are necessary to sustain life. And the thing that supposedly makes blood more valuable is the fact that it ties human beings in a way that water simply can’t. But blood only proves we’re related. It doesn’t prove we’re family. Only love proves that. For we’re relatives by blood and family by love. But often, relatives have so many expectations for each other that when an expectation isn’t met, drama persists. And because no one chooses their relatives, love must be the thing that makes them obligated to be a family. But this love is often conditional, which means that it’s based on Eros love alone and not Agape. And sometimes, it’s only unconditional, too. This means it’s only Agape based. Meaning, that one family member doesn’t particular care to share familial closeness with another, but they still love him or her and would help him or her if he or she could.

Unlike David’s and Jonathan’s relationship, many family members feel entitled. If they have a need or want that another family member can meet, they expect that family member to meet it…for no other reason than they share blood ties. And what’s often so trifling about these family member types is that they don’t practice what they preach. They easily expect a relative to help them, but when that same relative needs their help, they get ghost on him or her the way roaches do when the lights come on. And they're always in need because they’ve made poor life choices. And this often leads to them making promises they refuse to keep or can't keep. And it leads to them taking their relative's kindness and good heartedness for granted. So, what I’m getting at is this; finding the love and relationship that David and Jonathan shared not only surpasses the love between a man and woman, it also surpasses the love between men and men, women and women, and even family.

In conclusion, it’s very difficult to find a relationship where two people who desire non-platonic love has no expectation of each other for this violates the very nature of such relationships. For people often get into these relationships to meet needs and wants…desires they can’t meet for themselves. And these desires often become the promises that a partner must consistently and dynamically meet to preserve that honeymoon high that many chase long after the honeymoon is over. One of the biggest expectations that non-platonic relationships have that David and Jonathan’s didn’t are sexual expectations. This inherent expectation is a powerful one but is often hinged upon desires being met. And desires are easily met in the honeymoon stage of these relationships. But true needs and wants often aren’t fleshed out after the honeymoon phase.

This is why in the olden days when chastity was more practiced, the chance of reaching marital bliss was more promising. Because when we see what we call our partner’s ugly side, usually the side of them that rubs us the wrong way, and we still want to be with them for life, sex becomes more meaningful. Why? Because we’re with someone that can earn our level 2 respect. And we know that because we’ve tested the relationship and found it so. But when sex comes first, the motivation to stick around at the least sign of trouble often and quickly subsides. Because sex only bonds when couples have level 2 respect for each other. And they can’t have level 2 respect for each other when they haven’t hit rough patches that make them question whether they want to stay or go. When a person knows he or she can walk but chooses to stay…it builds level 2. This is what makes make-up sex so intoxicating.

But sex prior to even getting to this point can easily derail a relationship for a couple of reasons. One, it can remove a key incentive for hanging around. Sex before commitment is often like paying someone for a job before they do the work. The motivation to do the work often decreases when they’re paid first. For it’s harder to chase the carrot on a full belly. Two, it doesn’t test their motivation for hanging around. They might’ve initially come for sex. But having to wait until marriage or at least until after the courtship is fully vetted and a commitment made, he or she might get to know the real person and come to value that person more than the sex they were after. And when two people can enjoy each other outside of sex, level 2 respect is very high and so is Eros love. Eros is a sign that each person is being fulfilled by key relationship promises…both articulated and subliminal. And this equals a win/win, which is what any relationship must be for it to be blissful.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. I won’t sell your information. I value your patronage too much to do that. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

Subscribe

Subscribe to stay in the know when new content is posted.