R-E-S-P-E-C-T (PART 3)

RESPECT PART 3

In the previous two blogs, we covered what I call the two types of respect...level 1 and 2. In this final blog on the topic, we redouble our focus on level 2. And we're doing so because level 2 respect is ultra important to the harmonic and romantic discourse committed relationships endeavor to achieve. It's the fertilizer love feeds on. It's the one human nature dynamic that results when inclusive and exclusive desires are in harmony in committed relationships. And when level 2 respect is in effect, relationship occupants often recognize it as a feeling of being in love.

Level 2 respect isn't something people go around begging for. If they have to beg for it, then it's not dynamic. How often does Michael Jordan or Lebron James go around begging people to adore and admire their basketball prowess. Never! They just played basketball at the highest level anyone can and level 2 respect naturally and dynamically poured out of their fans for them. Even from people they've never met and never will. They've got more level 2 respect from people they've never met than many of us do from the people we grew up with. But in committed relationships, we often demand this level of respect. And we think we have a right to do so. But we don't. Let's look at the scene below to get a better understanding.

Scene:

'Laura, I need you to show me more affection,' Steve said! 'I’m tired of asking for it. If you love me, you should just give it without me pining for it.'

'Ok, baby. I'm so sorry. I promise. I'll work on it.'

Three weeks later, Steve and Laura are on the sofa cuddling.

'Laura, honey...the last few weeks have been wonderful. You’ve been giving me exactly what I’ve been asking for, and I really appreciate it.'

She smiled.

'That’s ‘cause I love you baby and wanna make you happy.'

He kissed her.

'That I am,' he said.

Three weeks later, Laura was sitting on the living room couch watching her favorite show. Steve walked in, grabbed the remote, and quickly smashed the power button.

'Laura, I’m so sick and tired of this!'

'What honey?'

'This lack of affection crap. It's been three weeks since we've cuddled or done anything. You're always saying you're tired or too busy. But you only work 4 hours a day. And you're always over Ann's house. And every time I bring up intimacy, it's like I asked you to cook thanksgiving dinner or somethin'. I'm sick of it.'

'You’re tired,' she yelled! I’m the one who’s tired! That’s why I don’t try and please a man because one minute he’s telling you you’re good and the next you’re not. You’re freakin' insatiable, you know that!'

She stormed off to their bedroom and slammed the door.

Steve and Laura’s situation is classic. In the beginning, Steve complained about the lack of affection he was receiving from Laura. After hearing enough of his complaints, for three weeks straight, she binges on his affection. He’s pleased. After receiving Steve’s atta girls, Laura is proud of herself. She’s made her boo happy. But three short weeks later, Steve is fussing about the same thing, again. But why?

Barring some medical issue, Laura probably isn't the cuddly affectionate type. Therefore, this behavior isn’t dynamic for her. She must consciously work at being cuddly and affectionate. And because she wants to please Steve, she does work at it. And the moment Steve praises her, in her conscious mind, she's officially pleasing to her husband. But over time, she slips out of her conscious focus on working to please Steve and back into her subconscious, dynamic and natural state, which is not cuddly or affectionate producing. But why does she return to this state?

We spend most of our time operating from our subconscious, which is dynamic. We do because this state requires the least amount of work and energy. We don't have to think in this state. We just do. And this is the state in which we feel most comfortable. Therefore, it requires the least amount of effort. This is exactly why the boy can be taken out of the country, but the country can't be taken out of the boy. This is also the reason the eagle soars. Laura can love Steve with all of her heart and because the dynamic nature she naturally subscribes to doesn’t include being affectionate or cuddly, she’ll find it hard to naturally meet Steve’s needs in this area. Therefore, giving him the affection and intimacy he needs creates serious work for her. This creates work because of the resistance she faces in doing something that she doesn't want to do, like to do, and or that violates her personality. And without resistance, there's no work to be done. And work requires energy to overcome resistance. And where does she get the energy to do things she doesn't want to do but he wants and needs her to do? She can consciously fake it, but we've already covered that. After getting her atta girls, she'll go right back to doing what comes natural to her.

And because of this, Steve will most likely lose level 2 respect for her in this area of their relationship. Simply because he can't adore or admire her lack of ability at meeting his core needs. And because Steve doesn't know she can't because it violates her energy producing facilities, he thinks she can but won't. He thinks she's consciously neglecting his needs and at the least that she's not prioritizing them. For Steve, his inability to adore or admire her inability to meet his need is more of a subconscious and dynamic decision than a conscious one. He can, however, consciously try and admire and adore her in spite of her inability. But it'll feel forced and fake. Why? Because doing so conflicts with the fact that she isn't meeting his need. And having his need met generates the renewable energy he needs to do the relationship's work. And it's hard to reward someone with praise they haven't earned. It feels fake. But his love for her is just one reason he might consciously try and adore her despite her shortcomings.

Other reasons he might consciously attempt to do so relates to his own conflicting "I" needs. For instance, although Steve has a need for Laura's affection and intimacy, he could also have an inclusive need to satisfy her or be pleasing to her. This need to satisfy her or be pleasing to her would most likely be a need he would've had for any woman he married. Because this would be a dynamic part of his personality and character. So, part of him will be in conflict because he naturally wants to be pleasing to his wife, but her inability to satisfy his core need, or her unwillingness to do so, as he might see it, prevents him from fulfilling that desire. That would be paying her for services she hasn't rendered. And the other part of him will be in conflict because his desire to be pleased by her isn't met either. Ouch! Double Whammy.

Laura might be giving it all she's got. And from her vantage point, no one could love him better. She's left it all on the table. But she'd be judging by her standards and not Steve's if she felt this way. There's a great possibility that Steve could've met and married a woman who'd be naturally congruent in the areas he most cares about. And it's also a great possibly that Laura could've met and married a man that would've consider himself the luckiest husband on earth and she wouldn't have to change a thing for him to feel that way. This is the real reason committed relationships require so much work. Because most don't marry this person.

Steve and Laura's situation is an example of why spouses and those in committed relationships throw the equivalent of temper tantrums when their partners don't satisfy their core need and wants. And most don't know that their partners really want to satisfy their needs and wants. They either don't know how or can't. But knowing how or feeling like they can't doesn't have to be permanent. Sometimes, growth, grace, and maturity are what's needed for them to produce the goods that their partner wants and needs. And often knowledge and self-awareness are the catalyst for growth, grace, and maturity.

In summary, love and level 2 respect are two separate aspects of committed relationships. A person can love their partner dearly but lack level 2 respect for them. This is simply because it’s very difficult to adore someone who is incapable of meeting our needs. It's my personal belief that every person in a committed relationship wants to meet his or her partner’s needs. The problem is, he or she often doesn't own the facilities or energy to do so. And when the very thing one person needs from the relationship goes against the dynamic human nature traits of the other, level 2 respect will usually be the first thing to go. And when it goes, it's a very good probability that love will follow suit. And this love that follow suit isn't the love you're thinking of. We'll talk about that love in the next blog.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please tell someone about it. And do consider subscribing. As I produce upcoming podcasts and books, you’ll be the first to be notified. I promise that your email information won’t be sold because I really value the intimate community of readers my blog attracts and wouldn’t risk your patronage for the world.

And last, always remember, the costs of committed relationships often exceed their price tag.

Subscribe to stay in the know when new content is posted.