R-E-S-P-E-C-T (PART 2)

RESPECT PART II

Ever been driving and went to change lanes when suddenly you’re startled by blaring horns? And you quickly snatch the steering wheel pulling the car back into your original lane. And after your breathing settles and your heart beat returns to it's normal pace, you realize you almost hit another car. Has that ever happened to you? If it has, why? It wasn’t intentional or deliberate. If is was, the blaring horn wouldn’t have startled you and you would’ve crashed into them anyway. It happened because although you could see perfectly, you couldn’t see the other car hiding in a view that you couldn’t see. To put it another way, you simply couldn't see what you didn't know you couldn't see. And what you couldn't see is your car’s blind spot. In this blog, we pick up were we left off from the previous blog. Let's talk about our blind spot's negative effect on level 2 respect.

Blind spots are inevitable. We all have them. That is...until we don't. And some blind spots are more damaging than others. One such blind spot is undervaluing a partner’s legitimate contributions to the relationship. Why is this one so damaging? Because it’s the equivalent of working forty hours and not getting paid. Who’d stay on that job? No one, right? I contend that the people in loving committed relationships don’t mind relationship work as long as they’re getting paid for that work. What’s the pay? The pay is the fulfilling of the conscious and unconscious relationship promises partners make to each other at the relationship’s genesis. And guess what this pay buys? Yes…energy. The fulfillment of such promises is super important because they provide the energy a partner needs to do the relationship’s work. Just as the earth has its renewable energy processes and cycles, so do successful committed relationships. Yes…it’s all ‘bout that energy. If you haven’t, please read my earlier blog on energy.

Let’s go down this rabbit hole a bit further. What if the work we’re doing in the relationship is opposite the work we promised to do? Often, people in committed relationships blindly and unwittingly agree to meet their partner’s unstated needs and wants the moment they commit and become exclusive. And having no clue about what they’ve agreed to, they soon come up short of their partner’s expectations. They do because the work they’ve been putting in isn’t the right work. And how can it be, they’re going off what they think the right work is. And they want to be paid for this work. But should they expect payment? Whether they do or don’t, odds are they won’t. Why? Because it’s hard to earn level 2 respect when we don’t do the work that fulfills our relationship promises. Because this is the work that our partner connects with and is energized by. This is the work that fulfills his or her inclusive needs. This is that work that only we’re supposed to be able to do for them. Because they put all their eggs in one basket…ours. We’re the ones totin' the basket. And if we drop the basket and let any of those eggs bust, or break, so does his or her level 2 respect drops and breaks for us. And it doesn’t matter that some of their eggs could or would never hatch from the start. Until he or she matures to such an understanding, we’re expected to do the work to make them hatch. Is that unfair? You betcha! But sometimes that’s just the nature of this beast we called committed relationships.

And when we drop their eggs or don’t make them hatch, our partner sees us the way some see a crooked politician. They see a person who said what he or she needed to get elected. And now that he or she’s in the seat, that person could care less about what his or her constituents need or want. And even though many in committed relationships feel this way, it’s my personal belief that this view is invalid. The more correct view is that we’re not meeting these promises because we can’t and not because we won't. Well, why can’t we?

We can’t for several reasons. One, many, if not most, are unaware of such promises. There’s a tendency for people to believe that love conquers all. We believe that our partner will not only be willing to meet our conscious and unstated needs and wants, but that he or she will also be capable or able to. Unfortunately, this belief is error prone. We believe that if he or she loves us that he or she will be willing to meet our stated and unstated desires, and the future desires we’ll accrue as we strive to become one with ourselves. And that’s one of the big chinks in the chain. We’re trying to become one with each other while at the same time learning to become one with ourselves. And both are asynchronous processes that should not happen simultaneously. We should definitely have become one with ourselves first.

So, what does this mean? It often means we’re shooting at moving targets. Meaning, we’re trying to appease desires that aren’t stationary. And just when we’ve set our sights and hit bullseye, our committed relationship’s needs and wants move. Next thing we know, we’re hearing our partner utter the phrase, “We need to talk.” During this talk, we learn just how bad off our aim is. And when we defend our well-intentioned efforts with data suggesting we’ve hit bullseye before with the same aim and shot, we’re lectured on how not to take the relationship for granted. Meaning, just because that aim and shot hit before doesn’t mean it will again. So, we adjust our sights and put our partner’s relationship needs and wants in our cross-hairs once again. And pow-yaw… we fire again. But guess what…we miss…again, too. And of course, we get the same speech…again.

This can be vanity and vexation of spirit. Why? Because everyone in committed relationships wants to consistently hit bullseye; they at least want to hit bullseye with dealbreaker targets if no others. But constantly readjusting our sight posts and our aim to shoot at the same target because it keeps moving is taxing and gets old real quick. And just when we do, he or she moves again. So, in an effort to keep up, we try Kentucky windage. And many quickly learn that Kentucky windage is more art than it is science. And we begin feeling we’re not right for the relationship. We suffering now. “It’s me and not you” …is the phrase that runs through our mind as we think of an easy way to let him or her down and exit the relationship with the least of amount of drama, pain, or disrespect.

But why does the target move? It does for a couple of reasons. Often, we’re still learning just who we are as a person. We’re learning what our tolerances are… and our true needs and wants. We’re learning what we will and won’t compromise on. And we’re learning what role our background plays in forming our needs and wants and its legitimacy. And we experience a myriad of emotional needs and wants on this journey. Some reasonable and others unreasonable. But often, it isn’t until we’ve matured through these experiences that we can discern between the reasonable and unreasonable. And by then, we may be on our third marriage or fourth serious relationship in five years.

The better we get at instinctively deciphering our own blind spots and making the proper adjustments that prevents us from crashing into our partner, we naturally become more valuable and emotionally attractive. This emotional attraction even makes us more physically attractive. Until we really know ourselves, it’s next to impossible for us to perceive or know everything about us that will be a detraction to our relationship, or the things that we should vocally demand from our partner from the beginning. But learning to be conscious of our subconscious blind spots makes us a valuable asset to our relationship rather than our ignorance of them possibly making us a detestable liability. Unfortunately, when we don't become aware of them soon enough, our partner may lose heart. He or she may lose faith that we ever can. Our partner may feel that he or she can't afford the necessary grace to stick it out with us because grace requires him or her to sacrifice what he or she presently needs in exchange for tomorrow's relationship salvation. And tomorrow isn't guaranteed. In a future blog I cover grace more in depth. In the next blog, we’ll conclude with part three on the topic of level 2 respect.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please tell someone about it. And do consider subscribing. As I produce upcoming podcasts and books, you’ll be the first to be notified. I promise that your email information won’t be sold because I really value the intimate community of readers my blog attracts and wouldn’t risk your patronage for the world.

And last, always remember, the costs of committed relationships often exceed their price tag.

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