Maturity Part II

MATURITY PART 2

In part 1 of the Maturity blog, we discussed the importance of individuals being mature prior to relationship commitment. And we saw how the same emotional fervor that makes the relationship so intoxicating at the beginning are the same ones that make it difficult to properly process and interpret whether or not the union is realistic, profitable, and potentially long-lasting. And because of this emotional fervor, we often take so many things for granted at the onset of the relationship. And then when we’re knee deep in the mire of it all, we face buyer’s remorse.

In part 2, we continue to stress the need for individual maturity in relationships prior to the commitment phase. So many in committed relationships, like marriage, often divorce and or breakup. It’s not that they’re bad people or don’t deserve committed companionship. Usually, they’re too incongruent to be in that relationship. This incongruence is usually due to, one, immature behavior that is a direct result of the unrealistic expectations that results from having a personal integrity that’s lacking in conscious and subliminal self-exploration and self-reflection. Two, ignorance of both general and relative relationship knowledge and best practices. And three, proper partner needs and wants assessment.

Personal integrity is about the daily practice of aligning our behaviors and actions with our own values, principles, beliefs, and ethics. But what if our values, principles, and ethics misalign, not only with the necessities and accommodations that all committed relationships generally require, but also with the relative needs and wants requirements of our committed relationship? Meaning, what if our human nature dynamics causes us to value principles, ethics, behaviors, and actions that contradict the necessary values, principles, behaviors, and actions our relationship needs to be strong and enduring? As we process this question, keep in mind that our human nature dynamics is us and we are our human nature dynamics. What I’m getting at is this; sometimes our own human nature dynamics, as real and authentic as they may be, are comprehensively unhealthy for a committed relationship. And because they’re the real us and we love things like keeping it “one hunnit” (one hundred for those of us who don’t speak American urban slang) and doing us, it can be very difficult for us to see how we naturally add unwelcomed and unwanted resistance to our relationship. And this adds unnecessary work and stress on the relationship. But, changing our natural behaviors and actions to better align with the relationship needs creates resistance against us, too. And consequently, it means more work for us. And if we’re physically and soulfully one with the dynamic actions and behaviors that misalign with our committed relationship needs, this work will feel like unnecessary and unwanted work for us. And this change will feel more forced, dutiful, and like something only our partner will benefit from. This often leads to what I describe as inter-mutual or polar conflict.

And it can also leave us feeling like we’re the only one who’s gotta change to make the relationship work. This can occur when our partner demand changes from us and not from him or herself. And this can really seem to be the case when we’re not demanding change of them, or we do, but they swear they don’t need to or they ignore our wishes. That's when we feel their double standard and hypocrisy, don’t we? And our emotional contempt for them burns hotter than a California Wildfire after a three-year drought. And the more changes we’re told we’ve gotta make, the hotter the flames. The more they deny the changes we ask of them, the hotter the flames. (keep in mind that I’m talking about people who don’t or can’t see that their human nature dynamics’ produced behaviors and actions contradict the very committed relationship they say they want and love)

Why? Because we feel picked on, not good enough, underappreciated, undervalued and invalidated. I used to love asking this hypothetical question. I’d ask, "What if the man in the relationship was always right, when he and his wife had a disagreement about a matter. And if this man was always right and his wife always wrong, could this marriage last?" The answer I'd usually get is, no! And that’s right. In this hypothetical situation, if the man was wise, he’d occasionally and humbly relent or give in at times, even though he’s always right. Not doing so would make his wife feel worthless, inferior, and marginalized. This goes the same for a person whose human nature dynamic behaviors and actions severely detract from the relationship, but he or she can’t see it. And it’s worse when the very changes he or she demands of his or her partner, he or she violates but can’t see that he or she does. And no matter how their partner tries and show it’s him or her that has the problem, this person doesn't see it.

Being anything other than the real us causes work for us. And it doesn’t feel natural. This is why we don’t want to change for anyone, not even the person we love or are in love with. That’s why in the honeymoon stage of a committed relationship, we’re conscious of who we are and hide the less complementary parts. Common sense might make us think we do this for the other person. But truth is…we do it for us. Why? Because we want to win his or her warm affections and approval. And in the honeymoon stage, we put up with stuff we won’t put up with when we let down our hair, so to speak, and reveal our full true self. I remember the line from a movie that says women think they can change their man and men think their woman won’t change. But the fact is, most everyone changes. Why? We do for several reasons.

One, we want to impress a potential partner. To impress him or her, we hide ugly truths about ourselves; ones that can or will have a negative bearing on the relationship at some future point if discovered. And when this truth comes to light, our partner goes through emotional changes, which often leads to changes in their behavior towards us. Or, to impress our partner, we do things like become his or her hero/heroine. But doing so often comes with costs and expectations from both parties...the hero/heroine and the rescued. Let's start with the hero/heroine's costs and expectations.

During the honeymoon phase, the hero/heroine often jumps to action as a show of what he or she can do and offer to the relationship. And as genuine as their actions may be, the hero/heroine often doesn't realize that the rescued might naturally count this heroic behavior among the silent promises the hero/heroine makes and that this recurring behavior is a part of the rescued's natural assumptive reasoning for committing to the relationship. But let's pretend that the hero/heroine knows this and agrees. The problem starts when the hero/heroine continues to perform in such heroic manner, but the rescued treats him or her as a mere mortal. When the rescued refuses to acknowledge that the hero/heroine is the wind beneath his or her wings or the air he or she breathes, the hero/heroine feels slighted. And this worsens if the hero/heroine feels the rescued isn't satisfactorily meeting his or her reasons for committing in the first place. The heroine and hero expects two things at minimum from the rescued...that is...acknowledgement and or his or her needs met. For this is the rescued's reasonable service. This shows the rescued's gratitude and thankfulness. For some heroes, the rescued satisfactorily meeting their needs also qualifies as acknowledgement. And they may see the rescued's lack of verbal acknowledgement and praise as a mere technicality.

But when the rescued is lacking in acknowledgment and meeting their needs, this may be the first time that the hero/heroine sees they've been doing the rescued's work all along. This may be the first time that he or she realizes that the heroic expectations the rescued continually places on him or her are a part of the rescued's exclusive needs. Meaning, these are needs (often baggage related) that require work that the rescued should be doing and not him or her. This may be the first time they draw the conclusion that the rescued has pawned this work off on him or her and that the rescued refuses to realize and own this responsibility, learn how to do his or her own work, and or put in the work to do so. With no incentive to keep doing the rescued's work, the hero/heroine's stops being heroic. And when that happens, the rescued accuses him or her of changing and of not doing the things they used to do.

Commonly, from the rescued's point of view, the hero/heroine offered to do the work from the beginning. He or she takes for granted that it's just what the hero/heroine obligated his or herself to. After all, the rescued never asked him or her to do so. But, the rescued never turned it down, either. It's like watching the Judge Mathis show when someone pays three grand to get their friend's car out of the pound and that friend declares to the judge that they thought it was a gift. So often, this is the rescued's behavior toward the hero/heroine. The hero/heroine will have given up money, close relationships with friends and family, valuable opportunities, and the rescued will still stand before the judge and say, "They did that because they wanted to. They didn't do that for me." And saying that is 'bout the equivalent of the rescued walking up to the hero/heroine and shooting them in the heart because that's 'bout what it feels like.

So why would the rescued reply with such denial? Because he or she can't afford to be guilty of not appreciating, acknowledging, or benefiting from the hero/heroines sacrifices that were done on his or her account. The rescued's pride won't let him or her. The rescued can't afford to acknowledge that he or she didn't pay their fair share in the relationship. Therefore, he or she doesn't owe the hero/heroine for something they chose to do but wasn't asked to do. This is just like that family member that hints ten times about their light bill being over due. Finally, you offer to pay it. Two weeks later you need their help on a simple matter that cost nothing but a little of their time and energy, but they won't help you. And when you remind them of the time you paid their 500 dollar light bill, they say, "But did I ask you, though?" Ooooh, it makes you wanna...let's just say you have to go somewhere and cool down before you hurt somebody. And that's when you learn to never offer to meet their need when they hint or beat around the bush. You wait for them to ask and then you tell them, no!

Now that we've covered the first key reason we change, let's cover the second one. The second reason we change is, we’re ignorant of what our own true needs are and therefore can’t articulate or demand they be met before committing. And, we’re ignorant of what our partner’s true needs are and ignorantly make promises we can’t keep no matter how much we love or are in love with them. And remember, promises don’t have to be verbally stated in committed relationships. Often, they’re implied. My grandmother used to say, the way you start is the way you finish. In her own way, she was saying this; the same thing it took to get them is the same thing it takes to keep them. In other words, she was saying you made promises to your partner just by doing the things you did, allowing the things you allowed, and accepting the things you accepted at the beginning of the relationship and now you need to keep those promises if you intend on keeping him or her. But it’s hard to keep promises you have no idea you made, much less never agreed to.

In closing, an aged smooth wine and a vibrant strong and resilient relationship has one huge thing in common…and that is…their ingredients have evolved to become one…producing a smooth and desirable union. And without individual maturity as described in this blog, that smooth and desirable union will be difficult to achieve. As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

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