Love or a lack thereof is never root cause...just symptom.

LOVE OR IT'S LACK IS THE SYMPTOM...NEVER ROOT CAUSE

Just like trust or a lack thereof is a symptom and never root cause in the success or failure of committed relationships, love or a lack thereof is also a symptom and never root cause in the success of failure of committed relationships. This is particularly true of Eros love. And just as even Agape love cannot guarantee that our partner won’t hurt us on accident, there’s no hard and fast guarantee that a committed relationship can and will meet our inclusive needs or support our exclusive ones. As I’ve stated in previous blog posts, we get into committed relationships for the assumed promise they make. And that promise is that they’ll not only be able to meet our needs, they’ll actually meet them. Too often, these huge assumptions don’t pay off. However, this promise is of utmost importance to us. Because we get into committed relationships for us and not our partner. Most take for granted that the relationship can and will meet their needs because love conquerors all. But in the “Love’s Not Enough” blog, I debunked that myth. Committed Relationships don’t have to be 50/50, but they must be win/win if they’re going to be harmonious and satisfying. However, there is one caveat.

More often than not, people in committed relationships really do love each other. But they just don't own the relationship dynamics their relationship needs to make it a hard win/win. Does this mean their relationship is an automatic failure? No, it does not. It should never be thought of as an automatic failure. And I believe that most people in committed relationships, who love each other, try everything they know to make the relationship work. But over time they run out of the dynamic energy needed to keep it afloat, and they throw their hands up and walk away from it. A popular R&B song called “Love TKO” by Teddy Pendergrass is a good example of this kind of committed relationship. Let’s analyze the lyrics to this 80’s classic and point out the caveat mentioned earlier.

Lookin' back over my years
I guessed, I've shedded some tears
Told myself time and time again
This time I'm gonna win

But another fight, things ain't right
I'm losin' again
Takes a fool to lose twice
And start all over again

Think I'd better let it go
Looks like another love T.K.O.
Think I'd better let it go, let it go, baby
Looks like another love T.K.O.

Now let’s start the analytical process here. In the first stanza of this verse, he’s acknowledging that as he looks back over the years of this committed relationship, it’s caused him to shed some tears. Why? Because he really loves this woman, and that love has brought him pain. He goes on to say, I told myself time and time again, this time I’m gonna win. Here, he has entertained letting her and love go, but he sweet talks himself into not giving up. Why? Because this time he’s going to realize that harmonious union he’s always craved. And just when he settles into a winning mindset, another fight erupts, things aint right and he’s back on the mat again. One of the hardest things to do in a committed relationship like this is to keep on trying when you have no proof all your effort is going to be rewarded with the outcome you’ve been wanting and hoping for. After all, this outcome is the promise of and motivation for being committed.

Continuing, he says, “it takes a fool to lose twice and start all over again.” Most people in committed relationships don’t call it quits the first few times things don’t go right. Why? Because love won’t let them. They usually only do so after they’ve become convinced that the relationship is no longer worth fighting for. I remember reading where one woman commented that the reason people divorce or leave their relationship is because they don’t want to do the work needed to make them work. However, I disagree. Most give up because they no longer have the energy needed to do the work that’s needed to maintain their relationship. Work requires energy and this energy comes when the relationship is meeting their needs. And this energy has to be dynamic. Meaning, couples have to naturally meet each other needs without conflicting with their own needs and without feeling like it’s more of a duty they’re performing rather than an organic desire. For more understanding on this point, please read my blog on Energy.

Back to the lyrics. He’s seen this breakup movie more times than he cares to. But love is trying to coax him into watching it again but with the hopes that there will be a different and hopeful ending this time. And his love for her is so strong and powerful that he’s gives in to love, which is against his better judgment. See, starting all over again usually means rebuilding the trust. And this trust usually isn’t about sexual fidelity. This trust is about the mistrust we covered in the communication part 2 blog.

Millions have slept in the same bed with their spouse and have not once question their partner’s commitment to their physical safety. They trusted that their partner wouldn’t physically harm them in any way. But those same couples couldn’t trust their partner with their heart. Why? Because our heart’s trust centers around the relationship’s ability to meet our needs and wants. And because many don’t understand this, the first culprit they blame for the relationship’s inability to meet their need is love. They believe if their partner loved them more, he or she would meet their need. And often, nothing could be further from the truth. So, how can they fix the relationship with a false diagnosis of the problem. They can’t. In fact, it’s because love is so bountiful that the urge to try again is so strong, despite the past failures.

The problem with rebuilding the heart’s trust centers around both being able to dismiss the mistrust they have about the relationship meeting their needs and wants. And every time they try to redeem their relationship, the same unratified and unacknowledged root issues that causes the symptoms that lead to their mistrust are never resolved. As a result, their efforts fail. And this failure reenforces the mistrust they only suspended to give the relationship another chance. And every failure sews more and more doubt until finally they lose hope, which is the source of their energy production. And when this happens, they often believe that the other person is capable of meeting their needs but isn’t willing. And when they’re listening to Teddy sing the hook, “I think I betta let it go…cause it looks like another love TKO”, they fully identify with his sultry delivery and readily second his motion to let it all go. But they usually fail at understanding that the other person really does want to meet their needs but doesn’t know how or lack the natural human nature dynamics the relationship requires to do so. Let’s move to the next verse.

Tried to take control of the love
Love took control of me
'Cause you lose all thoughts, sense of time
And have a change of mind

Takin' the bumps and the bruises
And all the things of a two-time loser
Just tryin' to hold on, faith is gone
It's just another sad song

Think I'd better let it go
Looks like another love T.K.O.
Yes, I think I'd better let it go, let it go, baby
Looks like another love T.K.O.

This next line is my favorite. “Tried to take control of the love…love took control of me.” If you’ve ever really loved someone, I’m talkin’ about sho’nuff in love with someone, and things ain’t working out…you know exactly what this verse is talkin’ ‘bout. He wants to reign in his love because his love keeps leading him back to this toxic situation the way a Wildebeest’s thirst keeps leading it back to crocodile infested waters. This is why Agape love isn’t an emotion. It produces emotions, but it’s not one. His emotions are telling him to jump ship. But Agape love is the state his heart is in. And it continues to counsel him to return.

According to this verse, his heart and soul is in a state of love that’s difficult to control and it’s harming him more than it’s helping him. “Cause you lose all thoughts, sense of time and have a change of mind.” I don’t personally know the person that wrote this lyric, but I do know one thing. I know they couldn’t have written this line if they hadn’t lived it. Cause time away from the fighting and arguing has a way of making you forget. And when love is still simmering in our hearts, time away from the heat and pain of fiery blows that made us want to quit the relationship in the first place are easily forgotten. And when love finish working its magic, we just wanna kiss and makeup. We were gonna cut our losses and move on to greener pastures. But love wouldn’t let us. And now that things are good again, we forget the heated exchanges, the unnecessary arguing, and the verbal throwdowns that put us on the mat of breakup all the other times.

The great comedian Richard Pryor once asked, “Why when you break up with your woman, she looks finer than she did when you were with her?” If he was here today and would listen, I’d tell him why. It’s not that she’d lost her physical fineness when he was with her. Love TKO explains just what happened. See, when things are going badly in our relationship, there’s a tendency to start associating all the badness with our partner’s appearance and persona. Especially when we believe they’re the main source of the badness. And we lose sight of their true physical beauty because the badness has blinded us. In fact, when we first met them, we might’ve sworn they could easily grace any magazine cover. But once we start associating their appearance with the ugly and miserable pain we’re experiencing from relationship, we’d be tempted to not put their picture in the newspaper or on billboards if they went missing, let alone some magazine. But once we’re out of the relationship and no longer subject to this pain, we can easily see their physical beauty again. And this is why Richard Pryor ex-girlfriends seemed to had gotten finer when he left them verses when he was with them.

Like Teddy in Love TKO, we lose all thoughts, sense of time, and have a change of mind when we love our partner and are still hopeful the relationship can work. We take for granted that the root cause of what put us on that breakup mat all those times before is resolved and removed from the relationship. And thanks to love, like Teddy, we’re thinking about stepping in the ring for the championship belt a third time with a losing record of zero wins and 2 losses. And round one has only just started when we realize we’re still dealing with the same old heart-felt bumps and bruises. And that we still haven’t healed from the last scrapes, bumps, and bruises. And now the hope and faith that gave us the courage to get in the ring again is quickly fading. Because we start taking on the same bumps and bruises we did before. And before the round is over, we realize we can’t win and throw in the towel. And at last, we’re resigned to the fact that the failure of the relationship could be summed up by any garden variety sad love song.

As the song goes into the vamp, he says thing like, “I think I better let it go before it’s too late. And, they say love is better the second time around, but I can’t stand on my feet before I’m falling down.” This song is so reminiscent of so many committed relationships. And there are times when couples lack what it takes to make the relationship work. And they’re so off kilter that they draw the conclusion that they’re better off a part. However, I believe that every relationship is potentially salvageable regardless of its shortcomings. I believe that when couples know and understand the subtle dynamics that naturally undermine the efficacy typical committed relationships should enjoy, apply the right tools to correct any deficiency these dynamics present, and are willing to allow grace to make room for their partner to grow enough to meet their needs and wants, that most if not all committed relationships can be saved.

In our next blog, we’ll talk about grace, what it is and how it can be applied to committed relationships. If you’ve been enjoying this blog series, please tell family and friends. As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. I won’t sell your information. I value your patronage too much to do that. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

Subscribe

Subscribe to stay in the know when new content is posted.