DEALBREAKERS

DEALBREAKERS

What are deal breakers? Dealbreakers are things that one can’t live with or without...without causing pain, disillusion, and or buyer's remorse. Dealbreakers are the things committed relationships advertently and inadvertently promise to fulfill. In committed relationships, dealbreakers relate to one’s “I” needs. In an earlier blog on the “I” Principle, I talked about inclusive and exclusive needs. These “I” needs, mainly inclusive needs, are the reason people get into committed relationships. And the reason these needs are dealbreakers is because they're directly responsible for providing the renewable energy a person needs to do the relationship’s work. And when a person’s “I” needs aren’t being met in a committed relationship, they’re dealbreaker needs are being neglected. And regardless of the reason they’re not being met, the relationship will take a big hit.

In previous blogs, I explained why these needs aren’t met. And what it often amounts to is a partner in the relationship being either too immature to meet these needs or he or she being incapable of meeting them. And one of the hardest things for someone to do is to remain committed to their relationship when he or she isn’t getting their needs met. Because when this happens, this introduces a serious craving and that craving will demand to be met. Ever had your hunger satisfied but not your craving? This is what a person in a committed relationship experiences when their hunger pangs are satisfied but not their cravings. And when this happens, this can lead to a lot of ugliness like infidelity, separation, and divorce.

But what’s the difference between a hunger need and a hunger craving? When we’re starving, our first order of business is to quench our gut pain. And as long as it’s food, it’ll do. But once our bellies are full, that’s when the cravings start. And cravings are always selective and specific. Anything won’t do. Some years back, I remember hearing a great shopping tip. This tip warned about shopping while hungry. It purported that people that shopped hungry were more likely to overspend by buying food items they didn’t need. In the relationship setting, a similar thing happens. For instance, when a person is starving for companionship, he or she might fall victim to such hunger pangs. And as a result, he or she fails to properly vet the person he or she lets into their life. And now that this person is a fixture in their life, this person doesn’t satisfy many of their dealbreaker needs. Yes, this person satisfies the basics upon which hunger needs are predicated. And these are needs the average Joe or Josephine could meet. In other words, almost anyone can meet hunger needs. But not just anyone can satisfy hunger cravings. And Joe and Josephine could really be great people, too. But just not the right people for meeting particular dealbreaker cravings.

People in loving committed relationships don’t purposely neglect their partner’s physical and emotional cravings.

People in loving committed relationships don’t purposely neglect their partner’s physical and emotional cravings. The person whose cravings are being neglected might feel the contrary. But committed people don’t purposely do that. And just because our partner can fog up a mirror, is clothed and in their right mind, and has full use and activity of their limbs, doesn’t mean they own the capacity to meet our “I” needs hunger cravings. And let’s take this a step further. Some have “I” needs cravings that are generally unfair for anyone in a loving committed relationship to demand or ask of their partner. For example; if a man or woman has a severe craving for their spouse’s time and attention and it forces their spouse to neglect spending any time with his or her family and or childhood friends, that’s wrong. But tell that to a time and attention deprived spouse. All that spouse knows is he or she has rights to this man or woman and that the committed relationship promised to meet his or her needs. That’s what he or she expects and that’s what he or she wants.

And if his or her “I” needs cravings aren’t routinely satisfied, there will be big trouble in paradise. Why? Because that’s the blind promise many loving committed relationships unwittingly or knowingly make. They promise to meet any and all needs. And, without this promise, committed relationships wouldn’t be worth getting into. And this is one reason some are afraid to commit. They don’t want broken promises and or to be charged with breaking promises. As I’ve stated in previous blogs, most people go into committed relationships thinking that if their partner really loves them, he or she will meet their dealbreaker needs. And that’s a very false notion. And I do agree. If they love them, they’ll want or try to meet their dealbreaker needs. But wanting and trying to meet them and meeting them are two separate things. One gets the job done and the other doesn’t. This is why no one is to blame when in the middle of the relationship, one learns that his or her partner can’t meet their renewable energy needs by meeting his or her “I” needs demands. So, what gives, then?

That’s a good question. Should people annul the relationship over unfilled energy cravings? There’s no default answer to this question as every relationship is uniquely different from another. My first instinct is to answer, no. I believe every loving committed relationship is salvageable, especially those that have a relationship with the Lord Jesus. Ultimately, however, I believe couples in these relationships should seek out counseling from reputable sources. Because the longer couples go without good counseling, the worse the relationship will likely become. And this will eventually lead to an impasse where minds are fully made up to disband or separate. And good counseling may even reveal that the dealbreakers we brought into our committed relationship may be unhealthy for us and unfair to our partner. More on this in a bit.

Some years back, there was talk of an 80/20 rule in relationships. Basically, the rule states that if our partner is satisfying 80 percent of our needs, we should count our lucky stars. The problem that I have with this rule is the fact that it doesn’t account for 100 percent of dealbreaker needs. In committed relationships, there are basically two categories that relationship needs fall under. I call them dealbreakers and compromisables. I know compromisables isn’t a real word. But it’s a word I created to describe certain needs in committed relationships.

We know what dealbreakers are so let’s talk compromisables. If dealbreakers are things one can’t live with or without, then, compromisables are things that this same person can live with or without. Meaning, they’re things that our partner brings to the relationship that doesn’t harm our energy levels. Or things we bring to the relationships that we don’t blow a gasket over if our partner is incompatible with. They can even add to our energy levels, but they don’t subtract from them. An example of this could be one spouse being ok with his or her partner having a platonic friendship with a person of the opposite sex.

The 80/20 rule doesn't account for the separation of dealbreakers and compromisables. It treats dealbreakers and compromisables as if they're one in the same; like a two-sided coin. Meaning, it sometime thinks dealbreakers can be compromised for the sake of a healthy union. But the game doesn't work that way. Dealbreakers aren't compromisable. Therefore, when unmet dealbreakers are causing relationship issues, they cannot be compromised to make the relationship healthy again. The dealbreaker need has to be removed or suffered with. Simply put, until some epiphany comes along that erases the need for that dealbreaker, to make the relationship healthy again, the owner of the dealbreaker will have to go without that dealbreaker need being met. Meaning he or she will have to suffer. Essentially, he or she will have to pretend to be ok for the health of the relationship. Unfortunately, this rarely works. And it doesn't because there's either an energy release or an energy renewal crisis happening in the person with the dealbreaker need. And this is true even if this person will later realize that his or her dealbreaker need was unhealthy for the relationship to begin with. An energy release relates to having a build-up of passion to do something that the relationship doesn’t allow or support. And energy renewal relates to the natural and dynamic energy decline, as it relates to desire, when one’s needs are constant not being met by the relationship.

Compromisables can exist on the both sides of the 80/20 rule. They can exist on the 80 or 20 percent side. But dealbreakers can only exist on the 80 percent side of the rule, that is, if there’s going to be perfect harmony in committed relationships. And any dealbreaker that exists on the 20 percent side will require work to be moved to the 80 percent side. Or the owner of that dealbreaker would need to remove it altogether if he or she felt it was preventing the relationship from moving forward. And if the dealbreaker need is removed but the behavior still exists, that behavior naturally falls into the compromisable category.

For example, let's say one of Bob's dealbreakers is couple's hiking. During the dating period, Carol willingly went on hikes with him and seemed to have a great time. Later, in their first year of marriage, Bob learns that she doesn't like hiking and doesn't want to go every other month. Once every 3 years or so is closer to what she can stand. The fun that he dreamed about as a teen, after seeing the fun his mother and father had hiking, he now knows will never be realized in his marriage. He's not getting what he thought he was. A month later, a man lost his wife to a wild predator while hiking. Bob had never thought of this possibly happening to his wife as she accompanied him on hikes. He couldn't ever bear the thought of that happening to her, especially if she came along just to satisfy him. Therefore, his dealbreaker need for couple's hiking changed. And he no longer presses her to accompany him on such trips.

In this example, Bob's dealbreaker need for couples hiking subsided after considering his wife’s safety. And even though he loves having her company when she chooses to go, when she doesn’t go, it doesn’t bother him. His desire to hike with her has become a compromisable. And let's be clear. He didn't compromise his dealbreaker. It no longer exists.

Just because people have dealbreakers at the onset of their committed relationship doesn’t mean that as they mature these dealbreakers won't subside. And just because we come into relationships with dealbreakers doesn’t mean our dealbreakers are healthy for the relationship. The key to making the relationship work through times of dealbreaker conflict is understanding a couple things. One, in a loving committed relationship, neither partner purposely neglects the other's needs. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking...whether I shot and killed you on accident or on purpose, the result is the same...you're dead! And I get that. But people can change. And often, getting the right knowledge and understanding, and the right culture and environment can save the relationship. And getting to the right counseling before the relationship reaches a bygone state is super critical. Two, grace is healthy for any relationship. Grace means offering up mercy and love that the other doesn't yet have the facility to earn, with the hope that the necessary change will happen that the relationship not only needs to survive but thrive.

And just because we come into relationships with dealbreakers doesn’t mean our dealbreakers are healthy for any relationship.

It's true that people can have dealbreakers or “I” needs that naturally detract from most loving committed relationship they could be in. And for this reason, I don’t immediately jump on the five love languages bandwagon. While I do accept that these languages exist, when they are overexaggerated or overemphasized, I wonder if this language is more of a symptom of a deeper root issue than it is a pure love language. In other words, I wonder if it's a result of baggage. Using the earlier dealbreaker example once more, the person who demands his or her spouse’s time and attention to the exclusion of his or her spouse's family or childhood friends probably has a deeper root issue going on. And it’s unfair for his or her spouse to cater to a language that’s really the symptom of a root problem. Why? Because symptoms are almost always never satisfied. And the more you throw at them, it seems the greedier they get. Therefore, so-called love languages should be evaluated for legitimacy, especially when one person's love language unfairly places demands on their partner's freedoms, autonomy, free will, and mental and emotional peace.

In conclusion, dealbreaker “I” needs exists in committed relationships. But the big question is, are they legit? And that’s a question one must be careful about asking. Because dealbreakers are the fabric of our person and personality. And questioning them can leave a person feeling insignificant, marginalized, and or inadequate. Clashing dealbreakers and dealbreaker satisfaction is what the majority of the work is about in committed relationships. But remember, their fulfillment is what supplies relationship occupants with the renewable energy they need to do the relationship’s work. Therefore, if these dealbreakers aren’t satisfied, some or much of the relationship’s work will go undone. And almost every relationship requires significant work because most of us aren’t lucky enough to meet a partner who so naturally compliments and complements us and we them that there’s little to no resistance in the relationship. In other words, very few of us will find a partner that we're so in sync with that there’s little to no work to do in that relationship.

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please tell someone about it. And do consider subscribing. As I produce upcoming podcasts and books, you’ll be the first to be notified. I promise that your email information won’t be sold because I really value the intimate community of readers my blog attracts and wouldn’t risk your patronage for the world.

And last, always remember, the costs of committed relationships often exceed their price tag.

Subscribe

Subscribe to stay in the know when new content is posted.