Communication in Relationships Part I

COMMUNICATION IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

What if a stranger walked up to you and yelled, “They’re here! And they wanna see you!” Within milli-seconds, you’d be giving them that "back up…I don’t know you look," right? You’d quickly assess the situation for danger, wouldn’t you? Especially in the current times we live in, right? Upon deciding this person isn’t a threat, what would your first question be? Who, what, when, why and where…right?”

So, did this person successfully communicate to you? Yes, they did. You understood everything they said. But did they effectively communicate to you? No, they did not. You had no clue about what they were yelling. Often in committed relationships, couples speak the same language and dialect. Yet the relationship suffers from poor communications. But why?

This anomaly has nothing to do with men and women using different sides of their brain when communicating. In fact, I don’t believe genetics play a role at all. Much of what I’ve already discussed in previous blogs is collectively responsible for the ineffective communication that plague many committed relationships.

In committed relationships, we easily take for granted that our partner knows exactly what we’re saying just because he or she understands the language and dialect spoken. We don’t realize how the words and phrases we speak sometimes carry different meanings. First, our words carry face value or their original meaning. I remember hearing a story of person who immigrated to the United States being confused when a native speaker told him to chill. His academic understanding of the word meant to physically put something in a refrigerator or on ice. He laughed and said, “I didn’t know they were talking about me settling down.” This same thing happens in committed relationships. And it does for a couple of reasons. And one of those reasons starts with the word assumption.

It’s easy to see how assumptions play a huge part in the miscommunication that leads to ineffective communication in committed relationships. But what does it mean to assume? It means to take for granted or believe to be true. We often take for granted or believe that our partner fully and naturally understands what we mean when speaking to him or her in a language and dialect he or she understands. But, when we speak to our partner from a subliminal place that he or she isn’t aware of, it’s next to impossible for our partner to comprehend what we’re really saying. Why? Because he or she doesn’t know what the real motivation and meaning is behind what we’re saying. And this often happens when our subliminal soul is suffering from unresolved issues that even we are clueless about. Therefore, how can he or she know if we don’t? So he or she assumes we meant the common understanding of what we said.

But all many of us know are the symptoms of our unresolved issues. And consciously, we treat these symptoms as the real issue and problem. And these symptoms drive our communication process. And when this is the case, we’ll ask for time in English when what we really want and need is validation. In English, our partner heard time and not validation. So, time is what he or she gives. But because the root problem is validation, no matter how much time they give us, we can’t be satisfied. Therefore, we keep changing the rules and moving the measuring stick. At first, just being in the same room is good enough. Then, being in the same room for at least two hours becomes the new complaint. Then, being in the same room for two hours and cuddling the whole two hours while watching our favorite movie becomes the new requirement. And the standards for time keeps moving and the complaints for failing to meet that validation need gets more frequent despite the fact that our partner met our time requirements. We're like an addict chasing their first high. And needing the same drug, but in greater quantity than our last hit to reach that first high. This is how a person becomes an addict for their partner's time when the real problem is validation or something else.

And this validation doesn't have to be our partner's responsibility to meet. Because this requirement for validation could stem from childhood trauma, previous relationships, or from the partner we're in relationship with. If our need for validation isn't our partner's responsibility to fix in the first place, they'll never be able to satisfy that validation need. The person responsible has to fix it. Subconsciously, that's who we're expecting to fix it. Why? Because he or she is the one that hurt us. This human nature dynamic is akin to the same human nature dynamic for revenge. Except here, we just want that person to acknowledge us not hurt them back. We want him or her to acknowledge their wrong and the hurt it caused us. And we want him or her to do so genuinely from the heart. But when our partner isn't that person, and that person won't show up and do right by us...at least as we think he or she should, there's a natural propensity for us to subconsciously demand this of our partner. Why? Because the promise of being in a committed relationship is having a partner that loves us enough to give us whatever we need. But even if he or she wanted, he or she can't. Because only the person that hurt us in whatever way that person did can validate us. All our partner would be doing is putting a band-aid on the problem by treating our symptom of needing more time. This is one reason this seemingly hard-wired belief about the promise of committed relationship is a myth. And this is one of the biggest reasons miscommunications happens in committed relationships.

In a previous blog, I said I don’t readily accept a person’s love language as legit until I’ve vetted it. And I don’t because their so-called love language can be the symptom of hidden unresolved baggage masquerading as a legitimate love language. What’s a key sign that it’s a symptom masquerading as a legitimate love language? One key sign is the ungodly frequency and demand with which their so-called love language must be entertained. There’s a classic R&B song that sums up this point quite nicely. It’s called “If You Think You’re Lonely Now” by Bobby Womack. For brevity’s sake, I’ll analyze just the first verse. It starts with,

[Verse 1]
When it's cold outside, who are you holding?
You know
If y'all don't mind, I'd like to talk about this woman of mine
She's always complaining 'bout me never being at home
But when I'm there, I'm broke
She's telling me 'bout the things that her girlfriend's got
What she ain't got
And she want me to go out and get' em for her, but
But girl, I can't be in two places at one time

[Chorus]
If you think you're lonely now, huh
Wait until tonight, girl
I'll be long gone (If you think you're lonely now)
And you'll never find another man that'll treat you right (Wait until tonight, girl)

Now, let’s start here. His complaint about his woman is the fact that she’s always simultaneously complaining to him about never being home and about providing a standard of living that’s equitable to her girlfriends. He responds with, “I can’t be in two places at one time.” In other words, he can’t be at home and work at the same time. He’s gotta go to work to make the money for her to live like her girlfriends. But that aint good enough. She wants him home, too.

Sometimes we’re oblivious to the unfair demands we’ve placed on our partner simply because we don’t know ourselves enough to communicate our true needs. I remember when Steve Harvey had his talk show, he had a young married couple on. The woman came out first and complained about her husband not spending enough time with her. Then Steve brought out her husband. As he walked out on stage, you could really feel how much he adored and loved his wife. He admitted why he couldn’t spend as much time with her as he wanted. He admitted that he worked multiple jobs to give her the lifestyle she wanted and that he wanted to give her. He had her in fine clothes and cars among other things. I was disappointed that Steve didn’t call her out on her double standard. I would’ve told her if she wanted more of his time, she had to tell him she didn’t want all that fine living he was providing for her, cut his hours, and live within their means.

See, just like the woman in Bobby Womack’s song, the very two things she wanted from her husband contradicted each other and she couldn’t see the contradiction. And how Steve missed that being the Chief Love Officer, I don’t know. But he did.

I’d love to do all the lyrics to this song but I’ll go ahead and sum it up so this blog won’t go on too long. Throughout the rest of the song, he tells his woman, you’ve been crying to me about being lonely and living like your girlfriends. But you haven’t seen lonely. ‘Cause if you think you’re lonely while I’m at work providing the living you said you wanted, sweetheart, wait until tonight. Because tonight I’m leaving. And let’s see how lonely you’ll be then. Let’s see how lonely you are when the ridiculous demands you put on me are chasing you all around the room. When the realization that you had a good man and lost him because of your foolish ways cuddles up beside you when it’s cold out.

The types of unrealistic contradictions like the ones in Bobby Womack’s song and the Steve Harvey talk show is a key sign that there may be a deeper root issue at play. And these contradictions tend to place doubt on the legitimacy of ours’ or our partner’s so-called love language. Therefore, when unrealistic contradictions exist or when the last high is no longer good enough, it usually a key indication that the thing that person is complaining about isn’t the real issue. And therefore, the associated love language may not be their real love language either. Or, if it is, it’s being over-exaggerated. Last, when one partner doesn't know how to properly communicate his or her real needs, usually because he or she isn't aware of them, there's often a tendency to for him or her to communicate needs that a symptoms based. And because often, the root need isn't our partner's responsibility to meet, therefore he or she can't and the subsequent symptoms that root need produces places unfair demands on him or her, this miscommunication often leads to things such as arguments, fights, name calling, separation, and or divorce. And what might have otherwise been a desirous, loving, and long-lasting relationship could easily be destroyed or go up in flames.

For now, we’ll stop here. The next blog will continue this discussion in the part two of the Communication in Committed Relationships Part 2. As always, if you’ve enjoyed this blog series, please share it with others. And if you haven’t, please consider subscribing to receive the latest updates about future books, podcasts, and materials. And always remember, committed relationships often cost more than their price tag!

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